Lesbian Fashion Trends. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the just plain stoopid.

 

As we are quickly approaching our lesbian spring break (that being Memorial Weekend in PTOWN), and seeing as how Commercial Street is essentially another form of a “lesbian runway show”, I think it’s only appropriate to talk about some of the different fashion trends that you have seen or will see.  Hence, I’m here to give you my lowdown on the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright stoopid in lesbian fashion trends (yes, I know “stoopid” is spelled wrong but that’s how I like it.  It allows me to emphasize just how stooooooopid something is).

Let’s start on a positive note with good fashion.  I’m all for being unique and making some sort of fashion statement but within reason.  With that said, my idea of “the good” includes the following:  1. The all trusty and versatile pair of jeans.  A few stylish holes in the jeans are fine but they should not look like you haven’t splurged for a new pair in 10 years.  Basically, they shouldn’t be any sort of frumpy, dumpy, and/or poopy.  No one want to see them sagging off your ass so it looks like you are walking around with a dump in your pants.  Your jeans should be comfortable and have that fashionable ‘worn in’ look but be nice, clean and fit your body.  2.  A basic, comfy hoodie.  This is a staple in the lesbian world.  A good hoodie is like a good lay…life just isn’t complete without one.  3.  Flippy Floppies.  As we know, lesbians will try and wear flip flops year round, even in blizzards (I don’t understand you people but whatever, to each their own).  Flip flops are another essential piece of the lesbian wardrobe.   I don’t have many guidelines on them style wise except for one request.  If you are going to wear them, please make sure your toes don’t look like they just went through a meat clever.  Get a pedicure people.  And please refrain from using any color that looks like it belongs on the set of the Golden Girls.  Leave the mauve, taupe, and orange colors to ladies with silver hair.   4. It’s T-SHIRT TIME!  This isn’t the shirt before the shirt.  This is the shirt.  This should be something clean, preferably no collar, possibly v-neck, and fresh to death.  Now when I say that, I don’t mean anything from Affliction or Ed Hardy (only men that don’t get laid wear those lame brands).  I’m talking about a simply stated, no pit stain, staple t-shirt.  I’m down for different colors as well.  There are actually a lot of possibilities when it comes to t-shirts.  Just keep it simple.  The rest of your look is determined by your own personal flair and style.  I put all my trust in you not to eff it up. 

Let’s move on to the bad of fashion.  I’ll start with a few of my personal pet peeves.  1.  Plaid.  Plaid is played out.  Why did plaid become so damn popular?  I just don’t get it.  I’ll admit, I myself am a plaid offender.  I do love me a plaid shirt or pair of shorts.  But, if you are mixing plaids or everything you own is plaid, it might be time to clean out your closet.  Unfortunately, I don’t see this trend going anywhere anytime soon, so perhaps just try and limit your plaid intake.  My next peeve is skinny jeans and high tops.  Let’s start with skinny jeans.  NO.  Flat out, NO.  NEVER.  I hate it on boys. I hate it on girls.  I just hate it.  Add some ridiculous high tops to it and I think it looks incredibly stoooooooooopid.  You are not Justin Beiber or a celesbian, therefore you cannot and should not rock this look.  Only famous people with a lot of money can get away with it and even then, I still don’t like it.  Then we have ties and bow ties.  Again, I do rock a tie here and there but only for certain things.  For example, I don’t wear a tie with a t-shirt.  Ties are meant for more formal occasions or special events.  Ties are not meant to be worn to T-Dance with your t-shirt.  This goes for bow ties as well.  I know bow ties are all the rage with lesbians these days, but there is a time and place for them.      

And finally, the just plain stoopid (and ugly) of lesbian fashion.  I hate to say it, but there are oh so many stoopid fashion trends that I have witnessed.  For starters, if your pants or shorts are hanging so far down your ass that you can barely walk but you think it looks cute and cool because everyone can see your American Eagle boy undies, think again.  You not only look like a tool but you look stooooopid.  If you wanna wear boys’ underwear that’s fine, by all means, but under no circumstances does anyone else care or want to see them.  Buy a smaller pair of pants and wear a god damn belt (Please see Exhibit 1 below).  Next, there is this newer trend I have seen in which lesbians will take a t-shirt, cut off the sleeves, but not just cut them so it’s a tank top, they cut the sleeves so much that you might as well not wear a shirt.  It looks like 2 gaping holes on either side of your shirt and everyone can see your stoopid gray or black sports bra.  It’s annoying.  Why buy a shirt just to cut it into almost nothing?  If you want to show yourself off, save your money and don’t bother wearing a shirt at all.  Of course, you would then fall into the “I’m a huge tool” category, but as I said, to each their own.  

Exhibit 1. I mean, really??  What is she thinking? 

 

There is also the confused lesbian.  This isn’t so much of a fashion trend but sort of a sad, misguided mistake for someone.  If you are going to rock a Mohawk, it will probably look a little “off” if you are wearing a dress.  You look confused and unsure of what kind of lesbian you are.  Pick a genre and stick to it.  You will thank me later.  Another trend is the popped collar.  Do I even have to explain why this one is stoopid??  Why do lesbians feel it necessary to pop their collar?  A popped collar is like a calling card for douchebags (see Exhibit 2 below).  Please, I beg of you, leave your collar down.  Go pop some champagne instead.   

Exhibit 2.  This might not be a picture of women with popped collars, but you get the point.

 Then there are the trucker hats or fitted caps.  I love hats.  What I also love is wearing them straight on my head and not tilted so much to the side that I look like I got ready in a slanted mirror.  Hats are meant to keep the sun out of your eyes and help hide a bad hair day.  They are not meant to be worn so you look like a stoopid fucking idiot.  Yup, I said it.

So fellow lesbian spring breakers, when you are packing for PTOWN, perhaps take a glance at what is going into the 5 million bags you plan on bringing and re-assess the situation.  Lezbehonest ladies, this is not a fashion show and there is no runway.  PTOWN is about drinking, dancing and making bad decisions but not fashion ones.  See you on Commercial Street.