The Do’s and Dont’s of Hooking Up in PTOWN

I want to first and foremost, thank everyone that has been reading and supporting my blog.  I started this on a whim and to get the positive feedback I’ve been receiving, it’s awesome.  So, thank you.  And now, back to the good stuff.

In my last entry, I ended by saying how PTOWN is all about drinking, dancing, and making bad decisions, and in this entry, I’m going to touch upon what could potentially be one of those bad decisions, that being, hooking up.  This can be anything from random dance floor make outs, secret bathroom rendezvous, a jaunt on the beach, or maybe it leads back to someone’s house or hotel in which you bump bagels and scissor (lesbian sexy time).  Let’s not forget that this extended spring break weekend is when us lesbians are all in the same place at the same time and there is a lot of drinking.  Not only is this a recipe for drama and disaster but it is also a recipe for lots of hook ups.  (Think “Girls Gone Wild” but with lots more lesbian drama and sadly no cameras).  No matter what kind of hook up you have, you have to wonder is it a good decision or a not so good one?  Let’s discuss.

First and foremost, the drinking that occurs in PTOWN is nothing short of excessive and obscene.  I know by the end of the weekend I feel like my liver has officially gone on strike.  You get the shakes, headaches, full on dehydration, and overall alcohol withdrawal is bitch.  As alcohol may not be kind to our bodies it has the keen ability to provide most of us with what I call “beer balls” or “liquid courage”.  This enables the average lesbian to get wildly drunk, grow a set of balls, make bad decisions and then not have to feel bad about her actions the next day likely because she won’t remember them anyways.  If you are one of those ladies, your beer balls could wind up getting you in all kinds of trouble.  This brings me to what I call “beer goggles” or for lesbians it might be your Ray Ban aviator sunglasses.  Either way, you don't want anything that can blur your vision (see below).  As we all know, when we drink, our inhibitions become heightened and we are MUCH more likely to make out and/or hook up with anything that talks, walks, breathes and has a pulse.  Girls, similar to teenage boys, are horny sons of bitches too.  Everyone that’s single is looking to make out and hook up and in PTOWN, and the well runneth over with willing women, so it’s the perfect place to be on the prowl for girls that are DTMO (down to make out).  Sounds all fine and dandy, right?  Get drunk, hook up, feel good about yourself and your conquest (think pats on the back and high fives from friends), then do it all over again the next day.  What you failed to think about is the following… 

Do you want THIS to happen to you?  I think not.

Things that seem like a good idea while severely intoxicated are usually not when sober, especially in PTOWN.  Let’s say for example, your hook up is a STAGE 5.  Upon initial meeting, she will seem awesome because as we have already learned, STAGE 5’s are always good at the start.  You will likely be more fooled by her initially due to your level of intoxication.  The bigger problem here is that if you invite a STAGE 5 into your bed, there is a good chance you will not ever be able to get her to leave you alone.  Most single ladies in PTOWN are looking for multiple make outs.  Lesbians like options.  It almost becomes a competition amongst friends to see who can make out the most (you know you’re guilty of this).  And we all know how competitive lesbians are.  So if a hook up is all you are looking for, you will be shit out of luck if you invite home a STAGE 5, especially if it’s on your first night there.  Commercial Street is small and there are only so many places you can hide.  You can make all attempts to ditch her, but I guarantee you she WILL find you.  You know as well as I do that everyone ends up at Spiritus at the end of the night for their heavenly slice of pizza and the last thing you want to is to have to bail from your spot in line without your slice because of a stupid STAGE 5 mistake from the night before.  So, if you want to risk sleeping with a STAGE 5, make sure you are up for playing an extended game of hide and seek sans Spiritus.    

You could wake up next to this.

There’s also the issue of your beer goggles working overtime and what seemed like a good idea at night in the darkness of the Pied dance floor didn’t look so appealing the next morning in the light of day.  What happens when you wake up, you don’t know who the girl is next to you, where you are, why you are naked, and why she looks like a hippopotamus?  You then run the risk of trying to sneak out unnoticed, and if she wakes up you have to make conversation (bad), look at her (worse), and figure out a swift getaway excuse (awkward).  Not to mention the walk of shame you will then endure (see pic below).  And you know all those over eager lesbians that like to show off and go for a morning run down Commercial Street?  Yeah, you will run into all of them on your walk home too.  And you will look extremely out of place when you still have on your “going out” clothes and everyone else is wearing their fancy running gear because they are overachievers and show offs (Seriously, who the fuck goes running in PTOWN?  Unless you are training for a marathon or something very special, you should be waking up to kegs and eggs not sprints and wheatgrass shots.  It’s called a vacation for a reason).  Once you have suffered through your walk of shame and made it home, you then have to tell your eager beaver friends where you were, what happened, and re-live the whole night (as if it weren’t already bad enough).  You also run the risk (high-risk) of seeing this hippopotamus again which would make for another extremely awful moment in time.  The big problem with PTOWN is that you really can’t avoid much.  The lesbian cess pool is already small enough, and when we are all in the same location, there is really no possible chance of avoidance.  So, if you must get laid, please use precaution, bring your grenade whistle and consider saving your hook up for Sunday night when you can make your great escape on Monday morning and not ever have to see her again.  

Don't let this happen. 

 Or let’s say you find a girl that you want to take home and before you even get the chance to get some, you realize she’s had far too much to drink and starts throwing up.  You really want to be holding someone’s hair you just met and be dealing with pukey mcpukerson?  I doubt it.  That’s what a girlfriend is for and what you are currently not.  Trust me, you don’t want to be the one taking care of a belligerent drunk, puking girl.  (I am shamefully guilty of this.  Sadly, I was the puker.  It wasn’t a good look for me nor one of my finest moments.  And to make things worse in my blacked out state, I agreed to go on a whale watch with this girl that brought me home.  An all-around EPIC FAIL on my part.  I still owe her a beer for getting me home safe.)  There’s also the chance that if you take a girl home and don’t do your background research, you might end up finding a carpet downstairs or perhaps she’s into some weird kinky shit or worse.  You can never be sure and I can assure you the risk is not worth the reward. 

So ladies, when contemplating your PTOWN hook ups, consider this your warning.  Brown outs, black outs and anything in between can make for wonderful make outs in open and public places where you can easily escape, but think again before going home with someone, especially if it’s any other night besides your last one there.  Lezbehonest ladies, the last thing you want to take home with you from PTOWN is someone or something you can’t get rid of.  Happy hunting.