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| Mmmmm, mudslides. |
The time is
here. It’s time to pack your bags, get
your liver ready, and head off for a long weekend of lesbian debauchery in
PTOWN! There is so much that lesbians do
to prepare for this weekend. You will
observe that about 3 months prior to PTOWN, everyone says they are on their PTOWN
diet. Obviously it’s important to show
up to this debacle looking your best.
This diet is also necessary due to the fact that you will likely consume
nothing other than alcohol, Spiritus pizza, Burger Queen, and Bayside Betsy’s
mudslides for the next 3-4 days. In
preparation, it’s also important to buy some new clothes so that you are
looking as fresh as possible for the ladies.
I’m quite certain that American Eagle and Hollister see a huge spike in
their sales around this time of year, especially on plaid. We know lesbians feel the need to bring at
least 3-4 bags filled with an outfit for every occasion and every weather
condition. Not to mention the extra bag
filled with flip flops, shoes, and sneakers.
Lesbians like to be prepared for anything. This also coincides well with the fact that
we stalk the weather forecast daily to see if god will be shining sun down
during our spring break. God loves the gays.
Let’s hope Mother Nature does as well.
And of course, we can’t forget to mention that tan people look better
then pasty white people, so tanning booths will also see an increase in
business approximately 2 weeks before Memorial Weekend. The Jersey Shore kids know how to get laid
and it all starts with a good solid orange hew on your skin. After you get your fake tan on, you gotta get
your hair cut so it’s looking nice and fresh and then you are good to go. Once you have done all of your preparation,
it’s time to fire up your lezzmobile (likely a Jeep or SUV in some form), pack
your friends and bags into your car and be on your way.
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| The ultimate lezzmobile. |
A lot of
ladies first stop upon arrival is to cruise down Commercial Street with all of
your car windows open playing loud music.
This is your first opportunity to scope things out and to see and be
seen. I am personally not a fan of
this. I think it’s stooopid. Seriously, Commercial Street is narrow and
crowded and it really is not necessary to show everyone what kind of car you
drive or the music you listen to. Even if you think it’s cool. It’s not.
Once you arrive it’s time to what else, START DRINKING! You will also likely want to walk (not drive)
down Commercial Street, check out who is there, possibly do some last minute
shopping before Board Stiff runs out of every pair of Sanuks in stock, and get
your first Bayside Betsy’s mudslide. Once
acclimated with your accommodations for the weekend, the partying begins. Thursday night is my favorite night in
PTOWN. It’s not overly crowded, you can
actually get into Pied and walk around and not feel like a sardine, and you
don’t have to wait 30 minutes in line for a slice of Spiritus. I highly recommend it to everyone. Friday is when everyone typically starts
showing up and when the real lesbian shit show begins. Which leads us to our first T-dance…
T-dance is
like the holy grail of Memorial Weekend in PTOWN. It’s the place where you know everyone who is
anyone will be at a given time. You have
your first Planter’s Punch and you are on your way to drunkville. Then it’s time to mingle or what I call
“doing a loop”. This is when you walk
around T-dance, scoping it out, looking for hot ladies to help play wingman to
your single friends and see what the lesbian population of New England has to
offer. T-dance, along with PTOWN in
general, is also the time to be prepared to bump into any and all exes and
potentially their current lady friend. You
all know you have an ex you want to avoid at all costs. My advice is to make sure you come armed with
several beverages and a wingman for this situation. It’s awful enough having to seeing your ex,
add a new girl into the mix and there is the potential for epic awkwardness,
verbal assaults, or possible punches being thrown. You never know what to expect when it comes
to lesbians. There’s always the possibility
that you are friends with some of your exes but let’s be honest, when you are standing
there, trying to tolerate the new girl and this meeting and everyone internally
realizes that you all have had sex with your ex, the common denominator in all
this, it can make for some unhappy thoughts and images, hence awkwardness. Hopefully one of your friends will step in
and save you from this moment in time.
Go get a shot, you deserve it.
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| Here she is! (thank you Alicia for allowing this pic) |
You should
also be on the lookout for the old lady that doesn’t seemingly shower much,
wears the same flannel cut off shirt every day (and year) and has some creepy
beer goggle resembling glasses on and walks around flirting with all the
younger ladies. She’s fun to take a
picture with, but don’t get caught up too long with her. She is slightly cougar crazy. Speaking of cougars, you will also see a
handful of them in PTOWN as well. If
sleeping with a cougar is on your bucket list, this is the place to do it. Just beware (please read previous blog
entry).
Saturday,
weather permitting, is when mostly all lesbians will be found at the beach,
playing a wide variety of lesbian sport activities and/or drinking games. This is our opportunity to do something
competitive, show off all of our PTOWN preparation, and scope out ladies in
less clothing. Hopefully you can avoid
those stooooopid lesbians that are really only on the beach to make a spectacle
out of themselves so everyone will be “watching” them but in reality they just
look stoopid. You will observe a lot of
people getting drunk during the day which always makes for an interesting
afternoon and evening. This is when
friends are most likely to make out with their friends (you know your guilty of
this). Don’t even get me started on the
repercussions from making out with friends (stay focused…PTOWN, PTOWN). This will take us into the evening shit show
in which you will find blacked out ladies at an array of bars, Wave Bar being
my personal favorite, in which you get further stooopid wasted, go eat
Spiritus, possibly find another random person in line to make out with, go
home, pass out and repeat.
Lezbehonest
ladies, wherever your PTOWN journey takes you, I hope you drink lots, have a
great time with your friends, find lots of girls that are DTMO (but only in
public places) and enjoy one of the best weekends of the year. I can assure you I will have A LOT more
blogging material upon our return home.
Until then my fellow lesbians and lesbros, I wish you a HAPPY PTOWN
2012!
Please check
out my friend J-Nizzle and her YouTube video, PTOWN State of Mind!
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