Friday, August 3, 2012

My Gay Interpretation of the Olympics


 Hi all, I’m back in action this week and here to bring you some gayyyyyy words of insight.  I took a few weeks off because it’s the summer and it was necessary, but I couldn’t stay away any longer.  As we are now in the month of August, there is already talk swirling around about the upcoming flag football season and as I watch all of the action and excitement of the summer Olympics, I started thinking about how closely related many of the sports are to lesbians lives and what a gay Olympics might look like.  Alas, here is my version and interpretation of a gay Olympics.

Hi.  We like boys that like boys.  Isn't it obvious?
For starters, did anyone read the article about a gay meet-up/hook up website that exists in London and how when all of the Olympic athletes arrived, the site crashed due to an overload of web traffic?  If that doesn’t set the stage on how many gay athletes there are, I don’t know what would.  I’m sure many of you have also heard how the Olympics is essentially like a brothel for athletes and the availability to have sex with many people in all kinds of places is a distinct and likely possibility.  That sounds remarkably familiar to how the lesbian community works.  Put us all in one place and there is a high probability that lots of us will sleep together (PTOWN ringing a bell??).  For lesbians, brothel-like concepts mimic the notions of “how many friends can I hook up with”, “how much incest can I create in one friend circle” and “how much chaos and drama can I create in one setting”?  Maybe our lives are like a twisted version of the Olympics?  Which brings us to the opening ceremony…  

The opening ceremony takes years of preparation and is highly anticipated by spectators and participants of all kinds.  Hell, your country even makes you special outfits for this event.  Ok wait, this is sounding more and more familiar again.  Do lesbians not prepare for months ahead of time before any big event such as PTOWN?  Do we not get our best (or worst) outfits prepared in order to show off our “pride”?  Imagine what Ralph Lauren would design for a lesbian Olympics opening ceremony outfit?  I envision popped collars, blazers, bowties, khakis, flip flops and no berets but stylish trucker hats giving that lesbian swagg stamp of approval.  All made in the USA of course.  Kind of sounds like we are walking down Commercial Street, doesn’t it?   

Hottie #2

Hottie #3
Hottie #1

Keep dreaming ladies.
As we move onto the actual sporting events, think about some of the things you are currently watching on tv and how closely they relate to actual lesbian life.  For example, I know there are many ladies out there that enjoy (obsess) over women’s soccer.  And who wouldn’t?  There is lots of eye candy to look at (Solo, Morgan, Wambach etc…Btw, you're welcome for the pictures) and if that’s not enough, these girls get to kick a ball around as their job.  What lesbian do you know that wouldn’t jump at the chance to kick some balls of any kind?  Yeah, thought so.  We also have the track star Lolo Jones.  She’s a 30 something hot virgin and kick ass athlete that looks damn good in spandex and a sports bra.  For lesbians, she’s like the straight friend you have always crushed on and dreamed about converting (taking her virginity) but will never be able to do so.  Keep dreaming ladies.  Then we have wrestling.  I know this isn’t one of the more popular sports but if you break it down, wrestling essentially mimics how lesbians flirt.  Our “method” of flirting typically will consist of trying to touch someone in some way or another and since lesbians are so competitive, that usually escalates to conversations like “I bet I can hold you down longer” or “I bet I can pin you to the ground first”.  These would all be the same kinds of things you would expect to hear from a wrestling coach, but for lesbians, this is kind of like our foreplay.  Which brings me to swimming and lezbehonest, this involves ladies getting wet.  Need I say more?
Get Wet.
Ever think about how tennis relates to lesbians?  Well, I have and now I will share why.  This sport involves hitting a ball back and forth and back and forth until someone misses or hits the ball out.  For lesbians, this is kind of like every relationship I’ve ever seen.  There is so much back and forth and back and forth until someone decides what the fuck they want which leaves the other person (the opponent) shit out of luck (girl gets dumped = ball out of bounds).  This cycle can go on and on and on for as long as someone can withstand it (game. set. match).  If you have never met or had the pleasure of dating a lesbian that didn’t know what the fuck they wanted or didn’t put you through the ringer with how many times they changed their mind, then you are definitely one of the lucky ones.  You win the gold medal (#fuckmylife #ironysucks).  The only event missing from the gay Olympics in my opinion would be some sort of drinking event.  I could see many of my friends competing in a case race or beer shotgunning event.  Just a suggestion to the Olympic committee.          
2016 Olympics
USGAY ALL THE WAY!
Lezbehonest, everyone enjoys oogling Olympic women athletes get sweaty and/or wet, that actually look good in spandex and can pretty much hands down kick a lot of ass.  We “civilian lesbians” may not look as good in spandex or get rewarded with gold medals but we certainly know how to have fun and get sweaty and wet in the process.  GO TEAM USGAY.