Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Wives, the lesbians are coming to PTOWN!



Mmmmm, mudslides.
The time is here.  It’s time to pack your bags, get your liver ready, and head off for a long weekend of lesbian debauchery in PTOWN!  There is so much that lesbians do to prepare for this weekend.  You will observe that about 3 months prior to PTOWN, everyone says they are on their PTOWN diet.  Obviously it’s important to show up to this debacle looking your best.  This diet is also necessary due to the fact that you will likely consume nothing other than alcohol, Spiritus pizza, Burger Queen, and Bayside Betsy’s mudslides for the next 3-4 days.  In preparation, it’s also important to buy some new clothes so that you are looking as fresh as possible for the ladies.  I’m quite certain that American Eagle and Hollister see a huge spike in their sales around this time of year, especially on plaid.  We know lesbians feel the need to bring at least 3-4 bags filled with an outfit for every occasion and every weather condition.  Not to mention the extra bag filled with flip flops, shoes, and sneakers.  Lesbians like to be prepared for anything.  This also coincides well with the fact that we stalk the weather forecast daily to see if god will be shining sun down during our spring break. God loves the gays.  Let’s hope Mother Nature does as well.  And of course, we can’t forget to mention that tan people look better then pasty white people, so tanning booths will also see an increase in business approximately 2 weeks before Memorial Weekend.  The Jersey Shore kids know how to get laid and it all starts with a good solid orange hew on your skin.  After you get your fake tan on, you gotta get your hair cut so it’s looking nice and fresh and then you are good to go.  Once you have done all of your preparation, it’s time to fire up your lezzmobile (likely a Jeep or SUV in some form), pack your friends and bags into your car and be on your way. 
The ultimate lezzmobile.

A lot of ladies first stop upon arrival is to cruise down Commercial Street with all of your car windows open playing loud music.  This is your first opportunity to scope things out and to see and be seen.  I am personally not a fan of this.  I think it’s stooopid.  Seriously, Commercial Street is narrow and crowded and it really is not necessary to show everyone what kind of car you drive or the music you listen to. Even if you think it’s cool.  It’s not.  Once you arrive it’s time to what else, START DRINKING!  You will also likely want to walk (not drive) down Commercial Street, check out who is there, possibly do some last minute shopping before Board Stiff runs out of every pair of Sanuks in stock, and get your first Bayside Betsy’s mudslide.  Once acclimated with your accommodations for the weekend, the partying begins.  Thursday night is my favorite night in PTOWN.  It’s not overly crowded, you can actually get into Pied and walk around and not feel like a sardine, and you don’t have to wait 30 minutes in line for a slice of Spiritus.  I highly recommend it to everyone.  Friday is when everyone typically starts showing up and when the real lesbian shit show begins.  Which leads us to our first T-dance…

T-dance is like the holy grail of Memorial Weekend in PTOWN.  It’s the place where you know everyone who is anyone will be at a given time.  You have your first Planter’s Punch and you are on your way to drunkville.  Then it’s time to mingle or what I call “doing a loop”.  This is when you walk around T-dance, scoping it out, looking for hot ladies to help play wingman to your single friends and see what the lesbian population of New England has to offer.  T-dance, along with PTOWN in general, is also the time to be prepared to bump into any and all exes and potentially their current lady friend.  You all know you have an ex you want to avoid at all costs.  My advice is to make sure you come armed with several beverages and a wingman for this situation.  It’s awful enough having to seeing your ex, add a new girl into the mix and there is the potential for epic awkwardness, verbal assaults, or possible punches being thrown.  You never know what to expect when it comes to lesbians.  There’s always the possibility that you are friends with some of your exes but let’s be honest, when you are standing there, trying to tolerate the new girl and this meeting and everyone internally realizes that you all have had sex with your ex, the common denominator in all this, it can make for some unhappy thoughts and images, hence awkwardness.  Hopefully one of your friends will step in and save you from this moment in time.  Go get a shot, you deserve it. 

Here she is!  (thank you Alicia for allowing this pic)
You should also be on the lookout for the old lady that doesn’t seemingly shower much, wears the same flannel cut off shirt every day (and year) and has some creepy beer goggle resembling glasses on and walks around flirting with all the younger ladies.  She’s fun to take a picture with, but don’t get caught up too long with her.  She is slightly cougar crazy.  Speaking of cougars, you will also see a handful of them in PTOWN as well.  If sleeping with a cougar is on your bucket list, this is the place to do it.  Just beware (please read previous blog entry). 

Saturday, weather permitting, is when mostly all lesbians will be found at the beach, playing a wide variety of lesbian sport activities and/or drinking games.  This is our opportunity to do something competitive, show off all of our PTOWN preparation, and scope out ladies in less clothing.  Hopefully you can avoid those stooooopid lesbians that are really only on the beach to make a spectacle out of themselves so everyone will be “watching” them but in reality they just look stoopid.  You will observe a lot of people getting drunk during the day which always makes for an interesting afternoon and evening.  This is when friends are most likely to make out with their friends (you know your guilty of this).  Don’t even get me started on the repercussions from making out with friends (stay focused…PTOWN, PTOWN).  This will take us into the evening shit show in which you will find blacked out ladies at an array of bars, Wave Bar being my personal favorite, in which you get further stooopid wasted, go eat Spiritus, possibly find another random person in line to make out with, go home, pass out and repeat. 

Lezbehonest ladies, wherever your PTOWN journey takes you, I hope you drink lots, have a great time with your friends, find lots of girls that are DTMO (but only in public places) and enjoy one of the best weekends of the year.  I can assure you I will have A LOT more blogging material upon our return home.  Until then my fellow lesbians and lesbros, I wish you a HAPPY PTOWN 2012! 

Please check out my friend J-Nizzle and her YouTube video, PTOWN State of Mind!

Friday, May 18, 2012

The Do’s and Dont’s of Hooking Up in PTOWN


I want to first and foremost, thank everyone that has been reading and supporting my blog.  I started this on a whim and to get the positive feedback I’ve been receiving, it’s awesome.  So, thank you.  And now, back to the good stuff.

In my last entry, I ended by saying how PTOWN is all about drinking, dancing, and making bad decisions, and in this entry, I’m going to touch upon what could potentially be one of those bad decisions, that being, hooking up.  This can be anything from random dance floor make outs, secret bathroom rendezvous, a jaunt on the beach, or maybe it leads back to someone’s house or hotel in which you bump bagels and scissor (lesbian sexy time).  Let’s not forget that this extended spring break weekend is when us lesbians are all in the same place at the same time and there is a lot of drinking.  Not only is this a recipe for drama and disaster but it is also a recipe for lots of hook ups.  (Think “Girls Gone Wild” but with lots more lesbian drama and sadly no cameras).  No matter what kind of hook up you have, you have to wonder is it a good decision or a not so good one?  Let’s discuss.

First and foremost, the drinking that occurs in PTOWN is nothing short of excessive and obscene.  I know by the end of the weekend I feel like my liver has officially gone on strike.  You get the shakes, headaches, full on dehydration, and overall alcohol withdrawal is bitch.  As alcohol may not be kind to our bodies it has the keen ability to provide most of us with what I call “beer balls” or “liquid courage”.  This enables the average lesbian to get wildly drunk, grow a set of balls, make bad decisions and then not have to feel bad about her actions the next day likely because she won’t remember them anyways.  If you are one of those ladies, your beer balls could wind up getting you in all kinds of trouble.  This brings me to what I call “beer goggles” or for lesbians it might be your Ray Ban aviator sunglasses.  Either way, you don't want anything that can blur your vision (see below).  As we all know, when we drink, our inhibitions become heightened and we are MUCH more likely to make out and/or hook up with anything that talks, walks, breathes and has a pulse.  Girls, similar to teenage boys, are horny sons of bitches too.  Everyone that’s single is looking to make out and hook up and in PTOWN, and the well runneth over with willing women, so it’s the perfect place to be on the prowl for girls that are DTMO (down to make out).  Sounds all fine and dandy, right?  Get drunk, hook up, feel good about yourself and your conquest (think pats on the back and high fives from friends), then do it all over again the next day.  What you failed to think about is the following… 
Do you want THIS to happen to you?  I think not.


Things that seem like a good idea while severely intoxicated are usually not when sober, especially in PTOWN.  Let’s say for example, your hook up is a STAGE 5.  Upon initial meeting, she will seem awesome because as we have already learned, STAGE 5’s are always good at the start.  You will likely be more fooled by her initially due to your level of intoxication.  The bigger problem here is that if you invite a STAGE 5 into your bed, there is a good chance you will not ever be able to get her to leave you alone.  Most single ladies in PTOWN are looking for multiple make outs.  Lesbians like options.  It almost becomes a competition amongst friends to see who can make out the most (you know you’re guilty of this).  And we all know how competitive lesbians are.  So if a hook up is all you are looking for, you will be shit out of luck if you invite home a STAGE 5, especially if it’s on your first night there.  Commercial Street is small and there are only so many places you can hide.  You can make all attempts to ditch her, but I guarantee you she WILL find you.  You know as well as I do that everyone ends up at Spiritus at the end of the night for their heavenly slice of pizza and the last thing you want to is to have to bail from your spot in line without your slice because of a stupid STAGE 5 mistake from the night before.  So, if you want to risk sleeping with a STAGE 5, make sure you are up for playing an extended game of hide and seek sans Spiritus.    

You could wake up next to this.
There’s also the issue of your beer goggles working overtime and what seemed like a good idea at night in the darkness of the Pied dance floor didn’t look so appealing the next morning in the light of day.  What happens when you wake up, you don’t know who the girl is next to you, where you are, why you are naked, and why she looks like a hippopotamus?  You then run the risk of trying to sneak out unnoticed, and if she wakes up you have to make conversation (bad), look at her (worse), and figure out a swift getaway excuse (awkward).  Not to mention the walk of shame you will then endure (see pic below).  And you know all those over eager lesbians that like to show off and go for a morning run down Commercial Street?  Yeah, you will run into all of them on your walk home too.  And you will look extremely out of place when you still have on your “going out” clothes and everyone else is wearing their fancy running gear because they are overachievers and show offs (Seriously, who the fuck goes running in PTOWN?  Unless you are training for a marathon or something very special, you should be waking up to kegs and eggs not sprints and wheatgrass shots.  It’s called a vacation for a reason).  Once you have suffered through your walk of shame and made it home, you then have to tell your eager beaver friends where you were, what happened, and re-live the whole night (as if it weren’t already bad enough).  You also run the risk (high-risk) of seeing this hippopotamus again which would make for another extremely awful moment in time.  The big problem with PTOWN is that you really can’t avoid much.  The lesbian cess pool is already small enough, and when we are all in the same location, there is really no possible chance of avoidance.  So, if you must get laid, please use precaution, bring your grenade whistle and consider saving your hook up for Sunday night when you can make your great escape on Monday morning and not ever have to see her again.  
Don't let this happen. 
 Or let’s say you find a girl that you want to take home and before you even get the chance to get some, you realize she’s had far too much to drink and starts throwing up.  You really want to be holding someone’s hair you just met and be dealing with pukey mcpukerson?  I doubt it.  That’s what a girlfriend is for and what you are currently not.  Trust me, you don’t want to be the one taking care of a belligerent drunk, puking girl.  (I am shamefully guilty of this.  Sadly, I was the puker.  It wasn’t a good look for me nor one of my finest moments.  And to make things worse in my blacked out state, I agreed to go on a whale watch with this girl that brought me home.  An all-around EPIC FAIL on my part.  I still owe her a beer for getting me home safe.)  There’s also the chance that if you take a girl home and don’t do your background research, you might end up finding a carpet downstairs or perhaps she’s into some weird kinky shit or worse.  You can never be sure and I can assure you the risk is not worth the reward. 

So ladies, when contemplating your PTOWN hook ups, consider this your warning.  Brown outs, black outs and anything in between can make for wonderful make outs in open and public places where you can easily escape, but think again before going home with someone, especially if it’s any other night besides your last one there.  Lezbehonest ladies, the last thing you want to take home with you from PTOWN is someone or something you can’t get rid of.  Happy hunting.    

Friday, May 11, 2012

Lesbian Fashion Trends. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the just plain stoopid.


 
As we are quickly approaching our lesbian spring break (that being Memorial Weekend in PTOWN), and seeing as how Commercial Street is essentially another form of a “lesbian runway show”, I think it’s only appropriate to talk about some of the different fashion trends that you have seen or will see.  Hence, I’m here to give you my lowdown on the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright stoopid in lesbian fashion trends (yes, I know “stoopid” is spelled wrong but that’s how I like it.  It allows me to emphasize just how stooooooopid something is).

Let’s start on a positive note with good fashion.  I’m all for being unique and making some sort of fashion statement but within reason.  With that said, my idea of “the good” includes the following:  1. The all trusty and versatile pair of jeans.  A few stylish holes in the jeans are fine but they should not look like you haven’t splurged for a new pair in 10 years.  Basically, they shouldn’t be any sort of frumpy, dumpy, and/or poopy.  No one want to see them sagging off your ass so it looks like you are walking around with a dump in your pants.  Your jeans should be comfortable and have that fashionable ‘worn in’ look but be nice, clean and fit your body.  2.  A basic, comfy hoodie.  This is a staple in the lesbian world.  A good hoodie is like a good lay…life just isn’t complete without one.  3.  Flippy Floppies.  As we know, lesbians will try and wear flip flops year round, even in blizzards (I don’t understand you people but whatever, to each their own).  Flip flops are another essential piece of the lesbian wardrobe.   I don’t have many guidelines on them style wise except for one request.  If you are going to wear them, please make sure your toes don’t look like they just went through a meat clever.  Get a pedicure people.  And please refrain from using any color that looks like it belongs on the set of the Golden Girls.  Leave the mauve, taupe, and orange colors to ladies with silver hair.   4. It’s T-SHIRT TIME!  This isn’t the shirt before the shirt.  This is the shirt.  This should be something clean, preferably no collar, possibly v-neck, and fresh to death.  Now when I say that, I don’t mean anything from Affliction or Ed Hardy (only men that don’t get laid wear those lame brands).  I’m talking about a simply stated, no pit stain, staple t-shirt.  I’m down for different colors as well.  There are actually a lot of possibilities when it comes to t-shirts.  Just keep it simple.  The rest of your look is determined by your own personal flair and style.  I put all my trust in you not to eff it up. 

Let’s move on to the bad of fashion.  I’ll start with a few of my personal pet peeves.  1.  Plaid.  Plaid is played out.  Why did plaid become so damn popular?  I just don’t get it.  I’ll admit, I myself am a plaid offender.  I do love me a plaid shirt or pair of shorts.  But, if you are mixing plaids or everything you own is plaid, it might be time to clean out your closet.  Unfortunately, I don’t see this trend going anywhere anytime soon, so perhaps just try and limit your plaid intake.  My next peeve is skinny jeans and high tops.  Let’s start with skinny jeans.  NO.  Flat out, NO.  NEVER.  I hate it on boys. I hate it on girls.  I just hate it.  Add some ridiculous high tops to it and I think it looks incredibly stoooooooooopid.  You are not Justin Beiber or a celesbian, therefore you cannot and should not rock this look.  Only famous people with a lot of money can get away with it and even then, I still don’t like it.  Then we have ties and bow ties.  Again, I do rock a tie here and there but only for certain things.  For example, I don’t wear a tie with a t-shirt.  Ties are meant for more formal occasions or special events.  Ties are not meant to be worn to T-Dance with your t-shirt.  This goes for bow ties as well.  I know bow ties are all the rage with lesbians these days, but there is a time and place for them.      

And finally, the just plain stoopid (and ugly) of lesbian fashion.  I hate to say it, but there are oh so many stoopid fashion trends that I have witnessed.  For starters, if your pants or shorts are hanging so far down your ass that you can barely walk but you think it looks cute and cool because everyone can see your American Eagle boy undies, think again.  You not only look like a tool but you look stooooopid.  If you wanna wear boys’ underwear that’s fine, by all means, but under no circumstances does anyone else care or want to see them.  Buy a smaller pair of pants and wear a god damn belt (Please see Exhibit 1 below).  Next, there is this newer trend I have seen in which lesbians will take a t-shirt, cut off the sleeves, but not just cut them so it’s a tank top, they cut the sleeves so much that you might as well not wear a shirt.  It looks like 2 gaping holes on either side of your shirt and everyone can see your stoopid gray or black sports bra.  It’s annoying.  Why buy a shirt just to cut it into almost nothing?  If you want to show yourself off, save your money and don’t bother wearing a shirt at all.  Of course, you would then fall into the “I’m a huge tool” category, but as I said, to each their own.  
Exhibit 1. I mean, really??  What is she thinking? 
 
There is also the confused lesbian.  This isn’t so much of a fashion trend but sort of a sad, misguided mistake for someone.  If you are going to rock a Mohawk, it will probably look a little “off” if you are wearing a dress.  You look confused and unsure of what kind of lesbian you are.  Pick a genre and stick to it.  You will thank me later.  Another trend is the popped collar.  Do I even have to explain why this one is stoopid??  Why do lesbians feel it necessary to pop their collar?  A popped collar is like a calling card for douchebags (see Exhibit 2 below).  Please, I beg of you, leave your collar down.  Go pop some champagne instead.   
Exhibit 2.  This might not be a picture of women with popped collars, but you get the point.
 Then there are the trucker hats or fitted caps.  I love hats.  What I also love is wearing them straight on my head and not tilted so much to the side that I look like I got ready in a slanted mirror.  Hats are meant to keep the sun out of your eyes and help hide a bad hair day.  They are not meant to be worn so you look like a stoopid fucking idiot.  Yup, I said it.

So fellow lesbian spring breakers, when you are packing for PTOWN, perhaps take a glance at what is going into the 5 million bags you plan on bringing and re-assess the situation.  Lezbehonest ladies, this is not a fashion show and there is no runway.  PTOWN is about drinking, dancing and making bad decisions but not fashion ones.  See you on Commercial Street.     

Friday, May 4, 2012

WARNING...STAGE 5 CLINGER



Definition: “A member of the opposite sex that is likely to become overly attached, overly fast. Virgins, those on the rebound, and the emotionally fragile are more likely to have this term applied to them.”  What this definition forgot to add was that when you put a bunch of women together there is a LARGE possibility of finding a Stage 5 clinger in there.  I’ve seen it all too often.  Girls meet, they hit it off, everything seems perfect, they talk, they text, go on a few dates, and then things start intensifying…quickly.  The fun, sweet, innocent calls and texts turn into constant calls and hundreds of texts and basically, you can’t get a break from that person.  She may have seemed like the perfect girl but she quickly turned into the overbearing overzealous STAGE 5 CLINGER.

We know that lesbians in general are typically going to be more attentive, caring and also needy and move faster (hire the UHAUL).  That’s a given when you put two women together.  Maybe some girls dig the whole stage 5 thing.  I’m not one of them.  I love attention from my partner.  I love being needed and wanted, but I have to draw the line somewhere and so should you.  It’s one thing to be wanted.  It’s another to feel like you just found yourself a certified stalker.  This reminds me of a girl I once dated.  I met her through a mutual friend, so I figured if there was any need to be warned, my friend would do so.  I was wrong (dear friend of mine, you know who you are, I still owe you for this one).  At first, this girl I met was cute, funny, and seemingly had all the characteristics I liked.  I had just broken up with someone so I was looking for something light and easy and she seemed like a good option.  We exchanged numbers and the next day we were sending each other texts and getting to know one another.  All good things…for now.  The first week passed and since she lived in another state, we did a lot of chatting on the phone and texting.  This seemed normal at the time but then, one night on the phone, it was getting late, I was getting tired and I had said I was going to go to bed.  Her response was, “Will you sleep on the phone with me?”  Puzzled by her request, I said, “What do you mean? Like keep the phone on all night and have it just lay next to me?”  She said, “YES.”  Ummmmmmmm, ok, warning sign number 1.  (I hope no one is reading this and thinking, awww, that’s cute, she wanted to sleep on the phone with her.  There is nothing cute about this).  I obliged to her request only because I was so tired and shocked and didn’t feel like arguing it.  When she asked me again the next night I was now just weirded out.  This is not normal.  What the hell is the point of sleeping on the phone?  Was she getting pleasure in listening to me breathe?  Perhaps she was hoping I would profess my love to her in my sleep?  Maybe she wanted to try and hear me snore?  I’m not sure what her reason was but I wasn’t feeling it and neither was my cell phone bill.  Her stage 5 clinging didn’t stop there either.  This girl was legit stalking my life.  She saw a pic of me and my ex on Facebook and was grilling me about it for almost 2 hours and got seriously mad at me and was accusing me of still wanting to be with her.  If I didn’t respond to her email fast enough she would get mad and question what I was doing (hi, I have a job I work at and it’s not to email you).  Enough was enough.  I was all set with this one.  I had endured all I could.  No longer was this the light and easy scenario I had envisioned.  It was time to run and run fast.  My ear was developing bed sores and it had become glaringly apparent this was not the girl for me. 

So all you emotionally fragile, on the rebound, virgins, and lesbians alike…please take note, not all girls enjoy their life being stalked.  It’s just not a good look.  A little space is a good thing.  Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?  So back up off it.  I can appreciate moments of needing some reassurance or perhaps some extra TLC but a girl needing to know every breath I take, every move I make, she’ll be watching you, literally, is just not ok.  I don’t know if Sting had intentions of his song being referenced with Stage 5 clingers, but his lyrics don’t lie.  Lezbehonest ladies, STAGE 5 = SEE YA LATER.