I feel as
though there are going to be A LOT of different opinions about this topic, but
as you know, I’m the writer so I get to give my opinion. I have had several conversations regarding
the matter of peeing, pooping, farting, and burping (to name a few) in front of
your lady lover. What is the proper
etiquette? Are there timelines in a
relationship as to when this behavior is appropriate? Is it never?
Is it free reign? Let’s break
this down one bodily function at a time, shall we?
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| Seriously, I don't even need to comment further on this. |
We will
start off easy with burping. I
understand that sometimes there is nothing better in the world than a nice big
burp. It frees up space in your body so
that you can consume more food or beverage and often a burp can help deter a
fart from coming on. So, I do see
burping as somewhat of a necessity. BUT,
have you ever heard someone burp, and it’s a juicy one? Like, not only did they burp but you also had
to hear the gurgling sound of them almost vomiting in their mouth? Yeah, those are NOT pleasant. Some people are more inclined to being loud
or juicy burpers. Sometimes, they let out
a burp and it sounds like a fucking fog horn that could be heard in China and
children would flee to the streets in fear that a bomb was coming. Yes, it’s that loud. These kinds of burps I am not a promoter
of. If you are the person that is
inclined to big and/or juicy burps, make sure you are doing them in a private,
sound proof room and not in your girl's ear. If you are at dinner or riding in a car, it’s never a good idea to rip a big burp. This is common sense. Although, I still often find myself in
situations when girls are burping at their own free will not paying any mind to
their surroundings and it sounds like a maimed animal and they don’t even
realize they just did that right in front of their gf. It’s almost as if the habit of burping is
second nature and all of our manners go out the window when we need to
belch. Way to keep it classy ladies.
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| WARNING, I FART AND I LIKE IT. |
This brings
me to the subject of farting. Are you of
the mindset that it’s acceptable to fart in front of your gf? If so, I have to applaud you. I am not a farter in general. I mean, everyone farts. It’s part of life. But, I am not one of those people that has to
fart all the time. So, I guess I am
blessed in that regard. Some people are
just gassy and for you people, it’s gotta be tough. I can however, recall times when I have been
hanging out with a new girl and there will be a sudden rumble in the tummy and
a gas bubble has appeared with nowhere to go but out. You try with all of your being to keep that
rumble inside only making the situation worse.
It starts turning into cramping and a more intense need to release and
then all of a sudden you are sick to your stomach and you feel like vomiting
and things have spiraled from a fart to now needing to release the beast inside
your belly. This can be quite the
predicament. There is also the matter of
farting in your sleep. This is something
I find hilarious because there really is NOTHING you can do about it. This is one of those instances that you have
to laugh at. For example, if this is
your first sleepover with a new lady and you hear someone fart in their sleep
you really can’t hold it against them all too much. Obviously your partner has no intent of
farting in front of you and since they are sleeping there’s not much they can
do to control it. Say you are snuggling
with your lovah and the big spoon feels a little vibration from down below and
not the good kind. I mean, it’s still a
fart, yes, but how can you be mad or grossed out by that? There are obviously exceptions to the farting
rule and this is definitely mine since I fart in my sleep all the time. Sometimes you just can’t help it. As long as the farter doesn’t try to “dutch-oven”
you then this is a free pass for farting circumstances. If you want to fart in front of your friends, by all means, go for it but never, ever in front of the girl you are trying to sleep with.
Here’s the
thing that I don’t understand. Let’s say
you are trying to impress a girl. The
LAST thing you should be talking about is the smelly fart you ripped last night that scared your dog or cat away.
That’s not going to impress anyone.
There is also the issue that some girls find it funny and amusing when
they fart. Let’s say you are sitting and
enjoying some tv all curled up with your lady and all of a sudden your girl
lifts her cheek to rip a big fart. Yeah,
it’s as awful as it sounds and it’s not funny.
The farter thinks the act of lifting her cheek is hilarious and she
feels proud. She should be slapped
upside the head. You think after you
just ripped a fart and laughed about it your gf is going to say “that was so
hot, let’s cuddle some more and then let’s go do it”. Trust me, she’s not. All you end up doing is looking like a 10
year old boy that thinks it’s funny to fart on girls. This is not even taking into consideration
the smell factor. Let’s not even go
there. I think you get the picture.
I’m sure you
all know the saying, “Don’t shit where you eat”. For us lesbians, this is quite the literal
statement. I feel strongly about this
and for obvious reasons, as should you.
Talking about poop and your pooping habits already is enough to freak me
out. I really don’t need to know when my
lady is going to take a shit. That is
"private time" for a reason. I know some
couples do not feel the same way and I find this not only interesting but
intriguing. How can one separate the
thought of their significant other taking a shit to having sex? I just don’t get it. Pooping is not a time that was meant to be
shared with others, especially the person I’m sleeping with. The doors should be closed, the fan should
be on, or turn on a faucet so no one can hear anything. Under no circumstance do I understand the
need to poop in front of anyone, especially my wife. I don’t care if you have been dating that
person for 10 years, there’s no need to poop in front of them. Talk about lesbian bed death. It’s hard enough to keep the spice alive in a
normal relationship let alone one where you share poop time together. Therefore, I do not condone this
behavior. Peeing is one thing. Pooping is another. Someone please explain to me how while one
person is brushing their teeth and the other is pooping (in the same bathroom) that seems like a good
idea? Can’t the teeth brusher just wait
5 damn minutes? I don’t understand
and I don’t think I ever will.
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| Thank you for the announcement. |
People are
so inclined to talk about their pooping habits and I guess I just missed that
memo. I have always been a private
farter, pooper, etc… In college when I
was living in the dorms and there were communal bathrooms, I would have to wait
until 3am during the weekday in order to go to the bathroom. So the thought of pooping in front of my wife
is absolutely horrifying to me. I don’t
see room for any gray area here.
This seems fairly cut and dry.
Again, I remind you, don’t shit where you eat. You get my point.
So for you
burpers, farters and public poopers, let’s please try and keep those bodily
functions under wraps and behind privately closed doors. Lezbehonest, no one really wants to hook up with the girl that just ripped a big fart and laughed about it.
Oh and btw, Happy Pride, Homos. Stay Gay.
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