Friday, July 13, 2012

SCISSORING...Enough said.


It's even awkward when cartoons are doing it.
Yes ladies, you read the title right.  And you have been warned about reading on.  This entry is not for the shy or faint of heart.  In honor of season 3 of The Real L Word starting this week, I was reminded of a segment in season 2 revolving around scissoring.  This entry will delve into the lovely world of scissoring and why it’s hilarious and horrible at the same time.  There are so many misconceptions about lesbian sex.  There are also so many different variations of what and how people define lesbian sex.  I revert back to my childhood when getting to the “bases” was the big to-do.  In the bases I learned, third base consisted of getting in someone’s pants.  No sex, but perhaps there was some finger banging or some oral action going on.  Put that in lesbian terms and this would likely be considered a “home run” by most.  There are also thousands of terms for lesbian sex/scissoring that have been created.  For example, we have the following (to name a few), “Bumping Bagels”, "Pussy Locking", "Twisted Sisters", "Bumping Donuts", "Red Rubbing", "Clit-Clatting", "Rock, Paper, Vagina", "Pocket Docket", "Smelly Time", "Mashing Cookies", "Churning Butter", "Muff Buffing", "Grinding Beans", "Boiling Eggs", "Rose-Bud-Thud", "Ginger Smacking", "Cracker Barreling", "Sticky Sliding", "Cat Nipping", "Touching Tacos", "Position 7-B", "Clam Jousting", "Cardio Snuggling", "Bumping Fur”, “Clam Jousting”, “Clapping Clams”, I could go on and on but I’ll spare you anymore.  With that said, clitly, I mean, clearly, there are a lot of fun terms out there.  One term that was introduced to me last year thanks to the Real L Word was “pissoring.”  We will get to that in a moment.   

How can you not find this funny?
First off, let’s actually define scissoring.  Scissoring is “a lesbian sex act where two partners interlock their spread legs (like two pairs of scissors) and grind their vulvae together to stimulate each other's clitoris to orgasm.”  (please see picture for the visual if you want one).  Honestly, can you think of anything more awkward and hilarious?  Ok, I know it’s part of the lesbian sex wheelhouse but really?  Does anyone actually scissor?  Sure, you can “dry hump” the hell out of each other.  Be my guest.  But do people actually perform this somewhat gymnastics-esq type move in the sack?  Again, visualize this for a second.  Yeah, exactly.  If that isn’t awkward and uncomfortable enough, how would you even say to your partner, let’s scissor?  It’s not like you just land in that position.  It would take some skill and some communication to get situated into the scissor position.  I find it all around weird, awkward and yet somehow, hilarious.  I was at physical therapy this week and my therapist said to me, “now I want you to scissor my hands”.  In typical 12 year old boy fashion, I giggled and it took every ounce of my being not to burst out laughing.  The word and concept of scissoring is just comical to me, almost as comical as the word “blowies”.  (My wife is going to hate me for using that word in here but I can’t help myself, I think it’s hilarious).  What’s even more hilarious than blowies and scissoring?  Pissoring.  Yes, pity scissoring.      

Let me set the scene for you in a short recap of the incident between Romi and Kelsey from the Real L Word season 2 episode (even if you don’t watch the show you will get the idea).    Romi was basically an alcoholic.  Her loser gf, Kelsey is also an alcoholic and she’s a loser (did I mention that already?)  It looks like she hasn’t taken a shower since 1982.  Romi supports Kelsey because she’s a loser and can’t get a job and Kelsey basically just drinks every night on Romi’s dime.  Romi decides to take life seriously and not drink.  Kelsey does not.  They are experiencing lesbian bed death.  It angers Kelsey because apparently there is nothing more to their relationship than drinking and sex.  One night they go out.  Romi doesn’t drink and Kelsey gets shitfaced.  On the way home, Kelsey starts to cry in the cab, and sobs "We're not having sex and I hate it! I hate it!"  When they get home, Kelsey stands by the bed with her arms at her sides and her pants half off, staring at Romi like a zombie in need of a belt. She slurs, "It's all I have with you, hon" with all the conviction of a phone book recital.  Romi feels so bad, she finally gives in and gives Kelsey everything she's got, and lets her do whatever she wants.  So, they scissor.  Or as we now call it, they pity scissor. Pissoring, if you will.    
Romi and Kelsey in their pissoring glory.
Ever been pissored?  I surely hope not.  There is a vast difference between being horny and wanting to get laid than being so desperate that you essentially have to beg someone for sex.  Hopefully you have some self-dignity, you are not as desperate to scissor as Kelsey was, and have never had someone pity scissor or pity sex anything to you.  Lezbehonest, if you are getting laid out of pity, there are much bigger issues in your life than you even know.  Hire a hooker if you have to.  Or go rub one out yourself.  Don’t fall victim to a pissor.  It was shameful for Kelsey and it would be shameful for anyone else.     

5 comments:

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  2. Do women of all ages think in relation to making love? If that's the case... how can woman's making love fantasies differ from individuals of males? Tend to be they a lot more loving naturally... or even can they always be seeing that sensual or even seeing that infused along with natural libido seeing that the one you have? Just how common are usually woman's making love fetishes?
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  4. Scissoring isn't awkward or funny if you know what you're doing, not saying you don't but...actually I am.

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