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| It's even awkward when cartoons are doing it. |
Yes ladies,
you read the title right. And you have
been warned about reading on. This entry
is not for the shy or faint of heart. In
honor of season 3 of The Real L Word starting this week, I was reminded of a
segment in season 2 revolving around scissoring. This entry will delve into the lovely world
of scissoring and why it’s hilarious and horrible at the same time. There are so many misconceptions about
lesbian sex. There are also so many
different variations of what and how people define lesbian sex. I revert back to my childhood when getting to
the “bases” was the big to-do. In the
bases I learned, third base consisted of getting in someone’s pants. No sex, but perhaps there was some finger
banging or some oral action going on.
Put that in lesbian terms and this would likely be considered a “home
run” by most. There are also thousands
of terms for lesbian sex/scissoring that have been created. For example, we have the following (to name a
few), “Bumping Bagels”, "Pussy Locking", "Twisted Sisters",
"Bumping Donuts", "Red Rubbing", "Clit-Clatting",
"Rock, Paper, Vagina", "Pocket Docket", "Smelly Time",
"Mashing Cookies", "Churning Butter", "Muff
Buffing", "Grinding Beans", "Boiling Eggs",
"Rose-Bud-Thud", "Ginger Smacking", "Cracker
Barreling", "Sticky Sliding", "Cat Nipping",
"Touching Tacos", "Position 7-B", "Clam
Jousting", "Cardio Snuggling", "Bumping Fur”, “Clam
Jousting”, “Clapping Clams”, I could go on and on but I’ll spare you
anymore. With that said, clitly, I mean,
clearly, there are a lot of fun terms out there. One term that was introduced to me last year
thanks to the Real L Word was “pissoring.”
We will get to that in a moment.
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| How can you not find this funny? |
First off,
let’s actually define scissoring.
Scissoring is “a lesbian sex act where two partners interlock their
spread legs (like two pairs of scissors) and grind their vulvae together to
stimulate each other's clitoris to orgasm.”
(please see picture for the visual if you want one). Honestly, can you think of anything more
awkward and hilarious? Ok, I know it’s
part of the lesbian sex wheelhouse but really?
Does anyone actually scissor?
Sure, you can “dry hump” the hell out of each other. Be my guest.
But do people actually perform this somewhat gymnastics-esq type move in
the sack? Again, visualize this for a
second. Yeah, exactly. If that isn’t awkward and uncomfortable
enough, how would you even say to your partner, let’s scissor? It’s not like you just land in that
position. It would take some skill and
some communication to get situated into the scissor position. I find it all around weird, awkward and yet
somehow, hilarious. I was at physical
therapy this week and my therapist said to me, “now I want you to scissor my
hands”. In typical 12 year old boy
fashion, I giggled and it took every ounce of my being not to burst out
laughing. The word and concept of
scissoring is just comical to me, almost as comical as the word “blowies”. (My wife is going to hate me for using that word
in here but I can’t help myself, I think it’s hilarious). What’s even more hilarious than blowies and
scissoring? Pissoring. Yes, pity scissoring.
Let me set
the scene for you in a short recap of the incident between Romi and Kelsey from
the Real L Word season 2 episode (even if you don’t watch the show you will get
the idea). Romi was basically an
alcoholic. Her loser gf, Kelsey is also
an alcoholic and she’s a loser (did I mention that already?) It looks like she hasn’t taken a shower since
1982. Romi supports Kelsey because she’s
a loser and can’t get a job and Kelsey basically just drinks every night on
Romi’s dime. Romi decides to take life
seriously and not drink. Kelsey does
not. They are experiencing lesbian bed
death. It angers Kelsey because
apparently there is nothing more to their relationship than drinking and
sex. One night they go out. Romi doesn’t drink and Kelsey gets shitfaced. On the way home, Kelsey starts to cry in the
cab, and sobs "We're not having sex and I hate it! I hate it!" When they get home, Kelsey stands by the bed
with her arms at her sides and her pants half off, staring at Romi like a
zombie in need of a belt. She slurs, "It's all I have with you, hon"
with all the conviction of a phone book recital. Romi feels so bad, she finally gives in and
gives Kelsey everything she's got, and lets her do whatever she wants. So, they scissor. Or as we now call it, they pity scissor. Pissoring,
if you will.
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| Romi and Kelsey in their pissoring glory. |
Ever been
pissored? I surely hope not. There is a vast difference between being
horny and wanting to get laid than being so desperate that you essentially have
to beg someone for sex. Hopefully you have
some self-dignity, you are not as desperate to scissor as Kelsey was, and have
never had someone pity scissor or pity sex anything to you. Lezbehonest, if you are getting laid out of
pity, there are much bigger issues in your life than you even know. Hire a hooker if you have to. Or go rub one out yourself. Don’t fall victim to a pissor. It was shameful for Kelsey and it would be
shameful for anyone else.
