Hi all, I’m
back in action this week and here to bring you some gayyyyyy words of
insight. I took a few weeks off because
it’s the summer and it was necessary, but I couldn’t stay away any longer. As we are now in the month of August, there
is already talk swirling around about the upcoming flag football season and as
I watch all of the action and excitement of the summer Olympics, I started
thinking about how closely related many of the sports are to lesbians lives and
what a gay Olympics might look like.
Alas, here is my version and interpretation of a gay Olympics.
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| Hi. We like boys that like boys. Isn't it obvious? |
For
starters, did anyone read the article about a gay meet-up/hook up website that
exists in London and how when all of the Olympic athletes arrived, the site crashed
due to an overload of web traffic? If
that doesn’t set the stage on how many gay athletes there are, I don’t know
what would. I’m sure many of you have
also heard how the Olympics is essentially like a brothel for athletes and the
availability to have sex with many people in all kinds of places is a distinct
and likely possibility. That sounds
remarkably familiar to how the lesbian community works. Put us all in one place and there is a high
probability that lots of us will sleep together (PTOWN ringing a bell??). For lesbians, brothel-like concepts mimic the
notions of “how many friends can I hook up with”, “how much incest can I create
in one friend circle” and “how much chaos and drama can I create in one
setting”? Maybe our lives are like a twisted
version of the Olympics? Which brings us
to the opening ceremony…
The opening
ceremony takes years of preparation and is highly anticipated by spectators and
participants of all kinds. Hell, your
country even makes you special outfits for this event. Ok wait, this is sounding more and more
familiar again. Do lesbians not prepare
for months ahead of time before any big event such as PTOWN? Do we not get our best (or worst) outfits
prepared in order to show off our “pride”?
Imagine what Ralph Lauren would design for a lesbian Olympics opening
ceremony outfit? I envision popped
collars, blazers, bowties, khakis, flip flops and no berets but stylish trucker
hats giving that lesbian swagg stamp of approval. All made in the USA of course. Kind of sounds like we are walking down
Commercial Street, doesn’t it?
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| Hottie #2 |
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| Hottie #3 |
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| Hottie #1 |
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| Keep dreaming ladies. |
As we move
onto the actual sporting events, think about some of the things you are currently
watching on tv and how closely they relate to actual lesbian life. For example, I know there are many ladies out
there that enjoy (obsess) over women’s soccer.
And who wouldn’t? There is lots
of eye candy to look at (Solo, Morgan, Wambach etc…Btw, you're welcome for the pictures) and if that’s not enough,
these girls get to kick a ball around as their job. What lesbian do you know that wouldn’t jump
at the chance to kick some balls of any kind?
Yeah, thought so. We also have
the track star Lolo Jones. She’s a 30
something hot virgin and kick ass athlete that looks damn good in spandex and a
sports bra. For lesbians, she’s like the
straight friend you have always crushed on and dreamed about converting (taking
her virginity) but will never be able to do so.
Keep dreaming ladies. Then we
have wrestling. I know this isn’t one of
the more popular sports but if you break it down, wrestling essentially mimics
how lesbians flirt. Our “method” of
flirting typically will consist of trying to touch someone in some way or
another and since lesbians are so competitive, that usually escalates to
conversations like “I bet I can hold you down longer” or “I bet I can pin you
to the ground first”. These would all be
the same kinds of things you would expect to hear from a wrestling coach, but
for lesbians, this is kind of like our foreplay. Which brings me to swimming and lezbehonest,
this involves ladies getting wet. Need I
say more?
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| Get Wet. |
Ever think about how tennis relates to
lesbians? Well, I have and now I will
share why. This sport involves hitting a
ball back and forth and back and forth until someone misses or hits the ball
out. For lesbians, this is kind of like
every relationship I’ve ever seen. There
is so much back and forth and back and forth until someone decides what the fuck they want which leaves the other person (the
opponent) shit out of luck (girl gets dumped = ball out of bounds). This cycle can go on and on and on for as
long as someone can withstand it (game. set. match). If you have never met or had the pleasure of
dating a lesbian that didn’t know what the fuck they wanted or didn’t put you
through the ringer with how many times they changed their mind, then you are definitely
one of the lucky ones. You win the gold
medal (#fuckmylife #ironysucks). The
only event missing from the gay Olympics in my opinion would be some sort of
drinking event. I could see many of my
friends competing in a case race or beer shotgunning event. Just a suggestion to the Olympic
committee.
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| 2016 Olympics |
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| USGAY ALL THE WAY! |
Lezbehonest,
everyone enjoys oogling Olympic women athletes get sweaty and/or wet, that actually look good in spandex and can pretty much hands down kick a lot of
ass. We “civilian lesbians” may not look
as good in spandex or get rewarded with gold medals but we certainly know how
to have fun and get sweaty and wet in the process. GO TEAM USGAY.
