My Gay Interpretation of the Olympics

 Hi all, I’m back in action this week and here to bring you some gayyyyyy words of insight.  I took a few weeks off because it’s the summer and it was necessary, but I couldn’t stay away any longer.  As we are now in the month of August, there is already talk swirling around about the upcoming flag football season and as I watch all of the action and excitement of the summer Olympics, I started thinking about how closely related many of the sports are to lesbians lives and what a gay Olympics might look like.  Alas, here is my version and interpretation of a gay Olympics.

Hi.  We like boys that like boys.  Isn't it obvious?

For starters, did anyone read the article about a gay meet-up/hook up website that exists in London and how when all of the Olympic athletes arrived, the site crashed due to an overload of web traffic?  If that doesn’t set the stage on how many gay athletes there are, I don’t know what would.  I’m sure many of you have also heard how the Olympics is essentially like a brothel for athletes and the availability to have sex with many people in all kinds of places is a distinct and likely possibility.  That sounds remarkably familiar to how the lesbian community works.  Put us all in one place and there is a high probability that lots of us will sleep together (PTOWN ringing a bell??).  For lesbians, brothel-like concepts mimic the notions of “how many friends can I hook up with”, “how much incest can I create in one friend circle” and “how much chaos and drama can I create in one setting”?  Maybe our lives are like a twisted version of the Olympics?  Which brings us to the opening ceremony…  

The opening ceremony takes years of preparation and is highly anticipated by spectators and participants of all kinds.  Hell, your country even makes you special outfits for this event.  Ok wait, this is sounding more and more familiar again.  Do lesbians not prepare for months ahead of time before any big event such as PTOWN?  Do we not get our best (or worst) outfits prepared in order to show off our “pride”?  Imagine what Ralph Lauren would design for a lesbian Olympics opening ceremony outfit?  I envision popped collars, blazers, bowties, khakis, flip flops and no berets but stylish trucker hats giving that lesbian swagg stamp of approval.  All made in the USA of course.  Kind of sounds like we are walking down Commercial Street, doesn’t it?   

Hottie #2

Hottie #3

Hottie #1

Keep dreaming ladies.

As we move onto the actual sporting events, think about some of the things you are currently watching on tv and how closely they relate to actual lesbian life.  For example, I know there are many ladies out there that enjoy (obsess) over women’s soccer.  And who wouldn’t?  There is lots of eye candy to look at (Solo, Morgan, Wambach etc…Btw, you're welcome for the pictures) and if that’s not enough, these girls get to kick a ball around as their job.  What lesbian do you know that wouldn’t jump at the chance to kick some balls of any kind?  Yeah, thought so.  We also have the track star Lolo Jones.  She’s a 30 something hot virgin and kick ass athlete that looks damn good in spandex and a sports bra.  For lesbians, she’s like the straight friend you have always crushed on and dreamed about converting (taking her virginity) but will never be able to do so.  Keep dreaming ladies.  Then we have wrestling.  I know this isn’t one of the more popular sports but if you break it down, wrestling essentially mimics how lesbians flirt.  Our “method” of flirting typically will consist of trying to touch someone in some way or another and since lesbians are so competitive, that usually escalates to conversations like “I bet I can hold you down longer” or “I bet I can pin you to the ground first”.  These would all be the same kinds of things you would expect to hear from a wrestling coach, but for lesbians, this is kind of like our foreplay.  Which brings me to swimming and lezbehonest, this involves ladies getting wet.  Need I say more?

Get Wet.

Ever think about how tennis relates to lesbians?  Well, I have and now I will share why.  This sport involves hitting a ball back and forth and back and forth until someone misses or hits the ball out.  For lesbians, this is kind of like every relationship I’ve ever seen.  There is so much back and forth and back and forth until someone decides what the fuck they want which leaves the other person (the opponent) shit out of luck (girl gets dumped = ball out of bounds).  This cycle can go on and on and on for as long as someone can withstand it (game. set. match).  If you have never met or had the pleasure of dating a lesbian that didn’t know what the fuck they wanted or didn’t put you through the ringer with how many times they changed their mind, then you are definitely one of the lucky ones.  You win the gold medal (#fuckmylife #ironysucks).  The only event missing from the gay Olympics in my opinion would be some sort of drinking event.  I could see many of my friends competing in a case race or beer shotgunning event.  Just a suggestion to the Olympic committee.          

2016 Olympics

USGAY ALL THE WAY!

Lezbehonest, everyone enjoys oogling Olympic women athletes get sweaty and/or wet, that actually look good in spandex and can pretty much hands down kick a lot of ass.  We “civilian lesbians” may not look as good in spandex or get rewarded with gold medals but we certainly know how to have fun and get sweaty and wet in the process.  GO TEAM USGAY.

SCISSORING...Enough said.

It's even awkward when cartoons are doing it.

Yes ladies, you read the title right.  And you have been warned about reading on.  This entry is not for the shy or faint of heart.  In honor of season 3 of The Real L Word starting this week, I was reminded of a segment in season 2 revolving around scissoring.  This entry will delve into the lovely world of scissoring and why it’s hilarious and horrible at the same time.  There are so many misconceptions about lesbian sex.  There are also so many different variations of what and how people define lesbian sex.  I revert back to my childhood when getting to the “bases” was the big to-do.  In the bases I learned, third base consisted of getting in someone’s pants.  No sex, but perhaps there was some finger banging or some oral action going on.  Put that in lesbian terms and this would likely be considered a “home run” by most.  There are also thousands of terms for lesbian sex/scissoring that have been created.  For example, we have the following (to name a few), “Bumping Bagels”, "Pussy Locking", "Twisted Sisters", "Bumping Donuts", "Red Rubbing", "Clit-Clatting", "Rock, Paper, Vagina", "Pocket Docket", "Smelly Time", "Mashing Cookies", "Churning Butter", "Muff Buffing", "Grinding Beans", "Boiling Eggs", "Rose-Bud-Thud", "Ginger Smacking", "Cracker Barreling", "Sticky Sliding", "Cat Nipping", "Touching Tacos", "Position 7-B", "Clam Jousting", "Cardio Snuggling", "Bumping Fur”, “Clam Jousting”, “Clapping Clams”, I could go on and on but I’ll spare you anymore.  With that said, clitly, I mean, clearly, there are a lot of fun terms out there.  One term that was introduced to me last year thanks to the Real L Word was “pissoring.”  We will get to that in a moment.   

How can you not find this funny?

First off, let’s actually define scissoring.  Scissoring is “a lesbian sex act where two partners interlock their spread legs (like two pairs of scissors) and grind their vulvae together to stimulate each other's clitoris to orgasm.”  (please see picture for the visual if you want one).  Honestly, can you think of anything more awkward and hilarious?  Ok, I know it’s part of the lesbian sex wheelhouse but really?  Does anyone actually scissor?  Sure, you can “dry hump” the hell out of each other.  Be my guest.  But do people actually perform this somewhat gymnastics-esq type move in the sack?  Again, visualize this for a second.  Yeah, exactly.  If that isn’t awkward and uncomfortable enough, how would you even say to your partner, let’s scissor?  It’s not like you just land in that position.  It would take some skill and some communication to get situated into the scissor position.  I find it all around weird, awkward and yet somehow, hilarious.  I was at physical therapy this week and my therapist said to me, “now I want you to scissor my hands”.  In typical 12 year old boy fashion, I giggled and it took every ounce of my being not to burst out laughing.  The word and concept of scissoring is just comical to me, almost as comical as the word “blowies”.  (My wife is going to hate me for using that word in here but I can’t help myself, I think it’s hilarious).  What’s even more hilarious than blowies and scissoring?  Pissoring.  Yes, pity scissoring.      

Let me set the scene for you in a short recap of the incident between Romi and Kelsey from the Real L Word season 2 episode (even if you don’t watch the show you will get the idea).    Romi was basically an alcoholic.  Her loser gf, Kelsey is also an alcoholic and she’s a loser (did I mention that already?)  It looks like she hasn’t taken a shower since 1982.  Romi supports Kelsey because she’s a loser and can’t get a job and Kelsey basically just drinks every night on Romi’s dime.  Romi decides to take life seriously and not drink.  Kelsey does not.  They are experiencing lesbian bed death.  It angers Kelsey because apparently there is nothing more to their relationship than drinking and sex.  One night they go out.  Romi doesn’t drink and Kelsey gets shitfaced.  On the way home, Kelsey starts to cry in the cab, and sobs "We're not having sex and I hate it! I hate it!"  When they get home, Kelsey stands by the bed with her arms at her sides and her pants half off, staring at Romi like a zombie in need of a belt. She slurs, "It's all I have with you, hon" with all the conviction of a phone book recital.  Romi feels so bad, she finally gives in and gives Kelsey everything she's got, and lets her do whatever she wants.  So, they scissor.  Or as we now call it, they pity scissor. Pissoring, if you will.    

Romi and Kelsey in their pissoring glory.

Ever been pissored?  I surely hope not.  There is a vast difference between being horny and wanting to get laid than being so desperate that you essentially have to beg someone for sex.  Hopefully you have some self-dignity, you are not as desperate to scissor as Kelsey was, and have never had someone pity scissor or pity sex anything to you.  Lezbehonest, if you are getting laid out of pity, there are much bigger issues in your life than you even know.  Hire a hooker if you have to.  Or go rub one out yourself.  Don’t fall victim to a pissor.  It was shameful for Kelsey and it would be shameful for anyone else.     

That Bitch Cray…What happens when you find out she’s a little crazy, but aren’t we all?

Lezbehonest, everyone has a little cray cray in them.  It’s all about the amount and levels of craziness that one person possesses.  When it comes to dating, you have to figure out if your kind of “crazy” is compatible with someone else’s.  For example, perhaps the person you are dating is a total type A.  They are manic with everything they do.  Is it best for them to be paired with another Type A (holy “To Do Lists”) or is it best for them to be with someone that needs a little Type A in their life and can handle the regimented Sunday activities (grocery shopping, laundry, homo depot, etc..) like it’s no big deal?  Dating crazy also depends on your threshold of crazy.  Are you one of those that feel like you have the patience of a saint?  That you can handle pretty much anything thrown your way in terms of crazy women?  Perhaps you are of the mindset that you can fix the cray in someone.  As a friend said and I quote, maybe you are “the mother fucking Teresa” of fixing girls and their problems and you can stick it out with just about anyone and handle just about anything.  Obviously, that kind of person has a high threshold.  Not all of us are blessed with that capability to be able to decode crazy.  In those cases, do you stay or do you run? 

Honestly, she was beyond cray.

My first gf ever was all kinds of crazy.  I learned so much from that experience and for that reason alone, I will never forget her.  The first thing I learned was never move in with someone you have dated for less than 6 months.  As she was my first girlfriend, I was not smart with my decisions and followed my heart not my head.  After only dating her for 3 months, we moved in together.  Yes, I committed the infamous “UHAUL” with her.  Like I said, I was a rookie lesbian and I didn’t know any better.  I should have seen some of the crazy signs she displayed prior to moving in with her but I was ignorant and stoooooooooooooooopid so I chose to ignore these things.  This girl had more issues than I have shoes (and I have a lot of shoes).  After discovering that she had stolen my social security number, opened credit cards in my name, and essentially threatened me with her psychosis on a daily basis, I decided I had enough.  And that was just scratching the surface with her amount of crazy.  So, I called my parents, told them to have a moving truck at my apartment the next morning and that I was coming home immediately.  They knew it was a dire situation.  I felt like I was living the movie “Single White Female” except I was dating the psycho bitch.  The only way I knew she would let me leave the apartment was if she had no clue I was leaving and wasn’t there.  I dropped her off at work as I normally would and pretended nothing was going on, went back home, and moved all of my shit out.  She came home to an empty apartment.  Like I said, desperate times call for desperate measures.  Did I mention she hacked into my cell phone records and my emails?  Oh yeah.  She did that too.  I feel as though I have a fairly high threshold of crazy and I’m a fairly understanding person, but this girl was wayyyyy beyond repair.  This one went down in history as the worst person I have ever dated in my life, boys included.  That’s saying a lot.  She was certifiably crazy.  I don’t think anyone could ever tame that one.      

Does this mean you're not into me?

Suppose, for your sake, your lady is not as crazy as mine was.  Suppose you encounter a girl that is extremely insecure and needs reassurance for every little thing.  She feels like you are constantly looking at her funny or thinking weird things about her and not telling her.  Is it possible to handle someone that needs to be coddled all the time?  Or say you are one of those people that thrives on drama and you can somehow create drama anywhere at any time.  You are not happy unless there is something for you to be talking about or worrying about and if there is no drama you will find a way to make some.  I find this kind of person pretty cray.  Drama can be entertaining in small doses, but who the hell wants to be around someone that thrives on it?  That legit, craves drama.  I sure as hell don’t.  I’ll pass on that kind of crazy, thanks.  Perhaps you are the kind of cray that analyzes every little thing possible to the point of no return.  You would find a way to analyze someone saying “hello” to you.  Imagine being with someone that hyper analytical?  If you so much as blinked the wrong way it would likely cause a fight.  Is there a good balance for this kind of crazy in a partner?  Perhaps someone that is a mute or comatose would be suitable.  Or there are those girls whose moods change like the weather in New England.  That can make it hard to keep up with things.  I’m personally partial to the kind of crazy in which someone feels as though you are supposed to be able to read their mind.  As if you are some kind of superhuman being that is clairvoyant and should know everything they want and are thinking at all times.  This is definitely the kind of crazy that can keep things interesting.  It can also drive you a little cray as well.  Or maybe you only see the cray in someone when they are in “ex” status.  The crazy only comes out after things have been broken off and they go postal on you.  This kind of crazy is not so fun.       

Maybe you are into crazy.  Perhaps you feel as though a little cray keeps you on your toes.  To those ladies, I salute you.  I mean, I found someone that likes my kind of crazy.  I even got her to marry me.  So I feel as though there is definitely someone out there for everyone, it’s just a matter of finding the right partner that can balance your inner crazy.  Lezbehonest, we are all crazy bitches in our own way.  My advice, embrace the cray but pass on the fish filet (#Kaynesaysitbest). 

I'm turning 31 next week which means another year of useless wisdom and experiences under my belt to share and torture you all with in weeks to come.  Hope you all have a happy 4th of July. Eat, drink and be gay!     

I’m in love with….no, not a stripper, you’re best friend.

To Stay or Not to Stay?  That is the burning question?

I was watching the show Friend Zone on MTV the other day and I watched this lesbian girl confess her love to her best friend of several years and it dawned on me that this is quite a common occurrence.  Sadly for the girl on MTV, her friend did not share the same feelings she had and she got rejected on TV and things with the friend got very weird.  It was awkward to watch.  The big dilemma that I see with this situation is that if you confess to the bff and she does not have the same feelings, you run the risk of losing the friendship entirely.  Is it really worth trying losing the friendship over your desire to diddle her vajine? (pronounced vajeen)

 

First off, I’d like to discuss the fact that there have been SO many people I have encountered that at one point or another, have been or are in love with their bestie.  It would seem obvious that if you spend enough time hanging out with someone and you have a blast together, why wouldn’t you take the relationship further, right?  Wrong.  This, in most cases, is a recipe for disaster.  A bff is kind of like sister to you.  You share a bond that could be compared to that of a sibling.  So, for starters, who the hell is going to want to date their “sibling”?  That’s just bizarre.  Unless you want to get on an episode of Sister Wives.  Your bff is the person you are supposed to tell all of your deep dark secrets to.  You share with them the kinds of things that you “take to the grave”, that NO one else in the world would know.  It’s like, yay, they know all my shameful and dark secrets, now let’s ignore all those times I told you I was a douchebag and let’s date!  You can’t have bestie talk and then expect all of those things to be erased from memory.  I don’t care if your friend tells you that you are a saint and you’re shit don’t stink because trust me, it does. 

This statement is not to be ignored.

There is the scenario when one bestie is in love and the other clearly is not.  This situation has so much potential for disaster.  Think about this for a second.  If one friend is in love, and the other friend is constantly going to them for love advice as a normal friend would, can you see the obvious conflict of interest?  When the ‘not in love’ friend catches wind that she has been given biased love advice because of the ‘in love’ friends real feelings, she’s going to be pissed.  On the flip side, I’m sure some people are well aware that they have a bff that is in love with them, and they just ignore it and go along with it, because who wouldn’t like to have someone doting on them and having them at their beck and call?  I smell resentment happening in this situation.  Yes, the friend that is in love will eventually start getting frustrated having to watch the one she loves date other people and she will wonder why she does everything for this person when she is not getting the one thing she wants in return?  (Fast forward to drunken bar fight)   

New Favorite word: Room Mating aka disaster

I made the mistake of sleeping with a bff/roommate at the time.  We did all of the classic bestie things together.  I would drop whatever I was doing to see her and be there for her because I considered myself a good friend.   At this point in my life, we were both “straight”, but one night we got drunk and a bunch of my friends were claiming they were the best kisser in the group.  We all decided to see who was right (#drunkcollegemistakes).  I kissed a few of my friends that night but when I kissed this one friend in particular, it was like the light bulb went on in my head and it must of for her as well.  She progressed things from kissing to much more and that turned into us essentially being in a secret relationship because neither of us was ready to deal with the complexities of telling our friends we were sleeping together.  So we would “hide” our relationship but not well at all.  In typical first lesbian relationship form, my feelings for my bff grew into feelings of love and she would tell me the same thing but she also continued to have her own boyfriend on the side.  Sounds messy, right?  Well, it was.  I ended up finally coming to terms with my gayness and she basically shunned me and told all our friends that I “came onto her” in some creepy way, which was far from the truth.  In fact, she was the one that initiated things every time because I was too chicken shit to do it because I knew I was gay.  Can you guess what the final result of this mess was?  Yes, that bff and I are no longer friends.  Our friendship turned into me feeling hurt and resentful and it ended when I realized what a douchebag she was to me.  To this day, she has yet to admit that she’s a big homo hiding in the closet and tries denying the whole relationship between her and I.  This is the perfect example of friend love gone wrong.   

So ladies, lezbehonest, don’t be fooled by thoughts of “we are already bff’s, we know everything about each other, and things will be so comfortable and great if we are together”.  Lesbian relationships are complicated enough on their own let alone trying to make it work with your bestie that knows all your dark secrets.  So put a stop to any considerations of diddling and scissoring your best friend and stay in the Friend Zone.  You don’t want to wind up getting embarrassed like the girl on MTV.  Until next week… 

Bodily Functions in front of a GF...Comfortable & Funny or Just Gross?

I feel as though there are going to be A LOT of different opinions about this topic, but as you know, I’m the writer so I get to give my opinion.  I have had several conversations regarding the matter of peeing, pooping, farting, and burping (to name a few) in front of your lady lover.  What is the proper etiquette?  Are there timelines in a relationship as to when this behavior is appropriate?  Is it never?  Is it free reign?  Let’s break this down one bodily function at a time, shall we?

Seriously, I don't even need to comment further on this.

We will start off easy with burping.  I understand that sometimes there is nothing better in the world than a nice big burp.  It frees up space in your body so that you can consume more food or beverage and often a burp can help deter a fart from coming on.  So, I do see burping as somewhat of a necessity.  BUT, have you ever heard someone burp, and it’s a juicy one?  Like, not only did they burp but you also had to hear the gurgling sound of them almost vomiting in their mouth?  Yeah, those are NOT pleasant.  Some people are more inclined to being loud or juicy burpers.  Sometimes, they let out a burp and it sounds like a fucking fog horn that could be heard in China and children would flee to the streets in fear that a bomb was coming.  Yes, it’s that loud.  These kinds of burps I am not a promoter of.  If you are the person that is inclined to big and/or juicy burps, make sure you are doing them in a private, sound proof room and not in your girl's ear.  If you are at dinner or riding in a car, it’s never a good idea to rip a big burp.  This is common sense.  Although, I still often find myself in situations when girls are burping at their own free will not paying any mind to their surroundings and it sounds like a maimed animal and they don’t even realize they just did that right in front of their gf.  It’s almost as if the habit of burping is second nature and all of our manners go out the window when we need to belch.  Way to keep it classy ladies. 

WARNING, I FART AND I LIKE IT.

This brings me to the subject of farting.  Are you of the mindset that it’s acceptable to fart in front of your gf?  If so, I have to applaud you.  I am not a farter in general.  I mean, everyone farts.  It’s part of life.  But, I am not one of those people that has to fart all the time.  So, I guess I am blessed in that regard.  Some people are just gassy and for you people, it’s gotta be tough.  I can however, recall times when I have been hanging out with a new girl and there will be a sudden rumble in the tummy and a gas bubble has appeared with nowhere to go but out.  You try with all of your being to keep that rumble inside only making the situation worse.  It starts turning into cramping and a more intense need to release and then all of a sudden you are sick to your stomach and you feel like vomiting and things have spiraled from a fart to now needing to release the beast inside your belly.  This can be quite the predicament.  There is also the matter of farting in your sleep.  This is something I find hilarious because there really is NOTHING you can do about it.  This is one of those instances that you have to laugh at.  For example, if this is your first sleepover with a new lady and you hear someone fart in their sleep you really can’t hold it against them all too much.  Obviously your partner has no intent of farting in front of you and since they are sleeping there’s not much they can do to control it.  Say you are snuggling with your lovah and the big spoon feels a little vibration from down below and not the good kind.  I mean, it’s still a fart, yes, but how can you be mad or grossed out by that?  There are obviously exceptions to the farting rule and this is definitely mine since I fart in my sleep all the time.  Sometimes you just can’t help it.  As long as the farter doesn’t try to “dutch-oven” you then this is a free pass for farting circumstances.  If you want to fart in front of your friends, by all means, go for it but never, ever in front of the girl you are trying to sleep with.  

Here’s the thing that I don’t understand.  Let’s say you are trying to impress a girl.  The LAST thing you should be talking about is the smelly fart you ripped last night that scared your dog or cat away.  That’s not going to impress anyone.  There is also the issue that some girls find it funny and amusing when they fart.  Let’s say you are sitting and enjoying some tv all curled up with your lady and all of a sudden your girl lifts her cheek to rip a big fart.  Yeah, it’s as awful as it sounds and it’s not funny.  The farter thinks the act of lifting her cheek is hilarious and she feels proud.  She should be slapped upside the head.  You think after you just ripped a fart and laughed about it your gf is going to say “that was so hot, let’s cuddle some more and then let’s go do it”.  Trust me, she’s not.  All you end up doing is looking like a 10 year old boy that thinks it’s funny to fart on girls.  This is not even taking into consideration the smell factor.  Let’s not even go there.  I think you get the picture.   

I’m sure you all know the saying, “Don’t shit where you eat”.  For us lesbians, this is quite the literal statement.  I feel strongly about this and for obvious reasons, as should you.  Talking about poop and your pooping habits already is enough to freak me out.  I really don’t need to know when my lady is going to take a shit.  That is "private time" for a reason.  I know some couples do not feel the same way and I find this not only interesting but intriguing.  How can one separate the thought of their significant other taking a shit to having sex?  I just don’t get it.  Pooping is not a time that was meant to be shared with others, especially the person I’m sleeping with.  The doors should be closed, the fan should be on, or turn on a faucet so no one can hear anything.  Under no circumstance do I understand the need to poop in front of anyone, especially my wife.  I don’t care if you have been dating that person for 10 years, there’s no need to poop in front of them.  Talk about lesbian bed death.  It’s hard enough to keep the spice alive in a normal relationship let alone one where you share poop time together.  Therefore, I do not condone this behavior.  Peeing is one thing.  Pooping is another.  Someone please explain to me how while one person is brushing their teeth and the other is pooping (in the same bathroom) that seems like a good idea?  Can’t the teeth brusher just wait 5 damn minutes?  I don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will.  

Thank you for the announcement.

People are so inclined to talk about their pooping habits and I guess I just missed that memo.  I have always been a private farter, pooper, etc…  In college when I was living in the dorms and there were communal bathrooms, I would have to wait until 3am during the weekday in order to go to the bathroom.  So the thought of pooping in front of my wife is absolutely horrifying to me.  I don’t see room for any gray area here.  This seems fairly cut and dry.  Again, I remind you, don’t shit where you eat.  You get my point. 

So for you burpers, farters and public poopers, let’s please try and keep those bodily functions under wraps and behind privately closed doors.  Lezbehonest, no one really wants to hook up with the girl that just ripped a big fart and laughed about it.       

 

Oh and btw, Happy Pride, Homos.  Stay Gay.