My Gay Interpretation of the Olympics

 Hi all, I’m back in action this week and here to bring you some gayyyyyy words of insight.  I took a few weeks off because it’s the summer and it was necessary, but I couldn’t stay away any longer.  As we are now in the month of August, there is already talk swirling around about the upcoming flag football season and as I watch all of the action and excitement of the summer Olympics, I started thinking about how closely related many of the sports are to lesbians lives and what a gay Olympics might look like.  Alas, here is my version and interpretation of a gay Olympics.

Hi.  We like boys that like boys.  Isn't it obvious?

For starters, did anyone read the article about a gay meet-up/hook up website that exists in London and how when all of the Olympic athletes arrived, the site crashed due to an overload of web traffic?  If that doesn’t set the stage on how many gay athletes there are, I don’t know what would.  I’m sure many of you have also heard how the Olympics is essentially like a brothel for athletes and the availability to have sex with many people in all kinds of places is a distinct and likely possibility.  That sounds remarkably familiar to how the lesbian community works.  Put us all in one place and there is a high probability that lots of us will sleep together (PTOWN ringing a bell??).  For lesbians, brothel-like concepts mimic the notions of “how many friends can I hook up with”, “how much incest can I create in one friend circle” and “how much chaos and drama can I create in one setting”?  Maybe our lives are like a twisted version of the Olympics?  Which brings us to the opening ceremony…  

The opening ceremony takes years of preparation and is highly anticipated by spectators and participants of all kinds.  Hell, your country even makes you special outfits for this event.  Ok wait, this is sounding more and more familiar again.  Do lesbians not prepare for months ahead of time before any big event such as PTOWN?  Do we not get our best (or worst) outfits prepared in order to show off our “pride”?  Imagine what Ralph Lauren would design for a lesbian Olympics opening ceremony outfit?  I envision popped collars, blazers, bowties, khakis, flip flops and no berets but stylish trucker hats giving that lesbian swagg stamp of approval.  All made in the USA of course.  Kind of sounds like we are walking down Commercial Street, doesn’t it?   

Hottie #2

Hottie #3

Hottie #1

Keep dreaming ladies.

As we move onto the actual sporting events, think about some of the things you are currently watching on tv and how closely they relate to actual lesbian life.  For example, I know there are many ladies out there that enjoy (obsess) over women’s soccer.  And who wouldn’t?  There is lots of eye candy to look at (Solo, Morgan, Wambach etc…Btw, you're welcome for the pictures) and if that’s not enough, these girls get to kick a ball around as their job.  What lesbian do you know that wouldn’t jump at the chance to kick some balls of any kind?  Yeah, thought so.  We also have the track star Lolo Jones.  She’s a 30 something hot virgin and kick ass athlete that looks damn good in spandex and a sports bra.  For lesbians, she’s like the straight friend you have always crushed on and dreamed about converting (taking her virginity) but will never be able to do so.  Keep dreaming ladies.  Then we have wrestling.  I know this isn’t one of the more popular sports but if you break it down, wrestling essentially mimics how lesbians flirt.  Our “method” of flirting typically will consist of trying to touch someone in some way or another and since lesbians are so competitive, that usually escalates to conversations like “I bet I can hold you down longer” or “I bet I can pin you to the ground first”.  These would all be the same kinds of things you would expect to hear from a wrestling coach, but for lesbians, this is kind of like our foreplay.  Which brings me to swimming and lezbehonest, this involves ladies getting wet.  Need I say more?

Get Wet.

Ever think about how tennis relates to lesbians?  Well, I have and now I will share why.  This sport involves hitting a ball back and forth and back and forth until someone misses or hits the ball out.  For lesbians, this is kind of like every relationship I’ve ever seen.  There is so much back and forth and back and forth until someone decides what the fuck they want which leaves the other person (the opponent) shit out of luck (girl gets dumped = ball out of bounds).  This cycle can go on and on and on for as long as someone can withstand it (game. set. match).  If you have never met or had the pleasure of dating a lesbian that didn’t know what the fuck they wanted or didn’t put you through the ringer with how many times they changed their mind, then you are definitely one of the lucky ones.  You win the gold medal (#fuckmylife #ironysucks).  The only event missing from the gay Olympics in my opinion would be some sort of drinking event.  I could see many of my friends competing in a case race or beer shotgunning event.  Just a suggestion to the Olympic committee.          

2016 Olympics

USGAY ALL THE WAY!

Lezbehonest, everyone enjoys oogling Olympic women athletes get sweaty and/or wet, that actually look good in spandex and can pretty much hands down kick a lot of ass.  We “civilian lesbians” may not look as good in spandex or get rewarded with gold medals but we certainly know how to have fun and get sweaty and wet in the process.  GO TEAM USGAY.

SCISSORING...Enough said.

It's even awkward when cartoons are doing it.

Yes ladies, you read the title right.  And you have been warned about reading on.  This entry is not for the shy or faint of heart.  In honor of season 3 of The Real L Word starting this week, I was reminded of a segment in season 2 revolving around scissoring.  This entry will delve into the lovely world of scissoring and why it’s hilarious and horrible at the same time.  There are so many misconceptions about lesbian sex.  There are also so many different variations of what and how people define lesbian sex.  I revert back to my childhood when getting to the “bases” was the big to-do.  In the bases I learned, third base consisted of getting in someone’s pants.  No sex, but perhaps there was some finger banging or some oral action going on.  Put that in lesbian terms and this would likely be considered a “home run” by most.  There are also thousands of terms for lesbian sex/scissoring that have been created.  For example, we have the following (to name a few), “Bumping Bagels”, "Pussy Locking", "Twisted Sisters", "Bumping Donuts", "Red Rubbing", "Clit-Clatting", "Rock, Paper, Vagina", "Pocket Docket", "Smelly Time", "Mashing Cookies", "Churning Butter", "Muff Buffing", "Grinding Beans", "Boiling Eggs", "Rose-Bud-Thud", "Ginger Smacking", "Cracker Barreling", "Sticky Sliding", "Cat Nipping", "Touching Tacos", "Position 7-B", "Clam Jousting", "Cardio Snuggling", "Bumping Fur”, “Clam Jousting”, “Clapping Clams”, I could go on and on but I’ll spare you anymore.  With that said, clitly, I mean, clearly, there are a lot of fun terms out there.  One term that was introduced to me last year thanks to the Real L Word was “pissoring.”  We will get to that in a moment.   

How can you not find this funny?

First off, let’s actually define scissoring.  Scissoring is “a lesbian sex act where two partners interlock their spread legs (like two pairs of scissors) and grind their vulvae together to stimulate each other's clitoris to orgasm.”  (please see picture for the visual if you want one).  Honestly, can you think of anything more awkward and hilarious?  Ok, I know it’s part of the lesbian sex wheelhouse but really?  Does anyone actually scissor?  Sure, you can “dry hump” the hell out of each other.  Be my guest.  But do people actually perform this somewhat gymnastics-esq type move in the sack?  Again, visualize this for a second.  Yeah, exactly.  If that isn’t awkward and uncomfortable enough, how would you even say to your partner, let’s scissor?  It’s not like you just land in that position.  It would take some skill and some communication to get situated into the scissor position.  I find it all around weird, awkward and yet somehow, hilarious.  I was at physical therapy this week and my therapist said to me, “now I want you to scissor my hands”.  In typical 12 year old boy fashion, I giggled and it took every ounce of my being not to burst out laughing.  The word and concept of scissoring is just comical to me, almost as comical as the word “blowies”.  (My wife is going to hate me for using that word in here but I can’t help myself, I think it’s hilarious).  What’s even more hilarious than blowies and scissoring?  Pissoring.  Yes, pity scissoring.      

Let me set the scene for you in a short recap of the incident between Romi and Kelsey from the Real L Word season 2 episode (even if you don’t watch the show you will get the idea).    Romi was basically an alcoholic.  Her loser gf, Kelsey is also an alcoholic and she’s a loser (did I mention that already?)  It looks like she hasn’t taken a shower since 1982.  Romi supports Kelsey because she’s a loser and can’t get a job and Kelsey basically just drinks every night on Romi’s dime.  Romi decides to take life seriously and not drink.  Kelsey does not.  They are experiencing lesbian bed death.  It angers Kelsey because apparently there is nothing more to their relationship than drinking and sex.  One night they go out.  Romi doesn’t drink and Kelsey gets shitfaced.  On the way home, Kelsey starts to cry in the cab, and sobs "We're not having sex and I hate it! I hate it!"  When they get home, Kelsey stands by the bed with her arms at her sides and her pants half off, staring at Romi like a zombie in need of a belt. She slurs, "It's all I have with you, hon" with all the conviction of a phone book recital.  Romi feels so bad, she finally gives in and gives Kelsey everything she's got, and lets her do whatever she wants.  So, they scissor.  Or as we now call it, they pity scissor. Pissoring, if you will.    

Romi and Kelsey in their pissoring glory.

Ever been pissored?  I surely hope not.  There is a vast difference between being horny and wanting to get laid than being so desperate that you essentially have to beg someone for sex.  Hopefully you have some self-dignity, you are not as desperate to scissor as Kelsey was, and have never had someone pity scissor or pity sex anything to you.  Lezbehonest, if you are getting laid out of pity, there are much bigger issues in your life than you even know.  Hire a hooker if you have to.  Or go rub one out yourself.  Don’t fall victim to a pissor.  It was shameful for Kelsey and it would be shameful for anyone else.     

Lesbian Fashion Trends. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the just plain stoopid.

 

As we are quickly approaching our lesbian spring break (that being Memorial Weekend in PTOWN), and seeing as how Commercial Street is essentially another form of a “lesbian runway show”, I think it’s only appropriate to talk about some of the different fashion trends that you have seen or will see.  Hence, I’m here to give you my lowdown on the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright stoopid in lesbian fashion trends (yes, I know “stoopid” is spelled wrong but that’s how I like it.  It allows me to emphasize just how stooooooopid something is).

Let’s start on a positive note with good fashion.  I’m all for being unique and making some sort of fashion statement but within reason.  With that said, my idea of “the good” includes the following:  1. The all trusty and versatile pair of jeans.  A few stylish holes in the jeans are fine but they should not look like you haven’t splurged for a new pair in 10 years.  Basically, they shouldn’t be any sort of frumpy, dumpy, and/or poopy.  No one want to see them sagging off your ass so it looks like you are walking around with a dump in your pants.  Your jeans should be comfortable and have that fashionable ‘worn in’ look but be nice, clean and fit your body.  2.  A basic, comfy hoodie.  This is a staple in the lesbian world.  A good hoodie is like a good lay…life just isn’t complete without one.  3.  Flippy Floppies.  As we know, lesbians will try and wear flip flops year round, even in blizzards (I don’t understand you people but whatever, to each their own).  Flip flops are another essential piece of the lesbian wardrobe.   I don’t have many guidelines on them style wise except for one request.  If you are going to wear them, please make sure your toes don’t look like they just went through a meat clever.  Get a pedicure people.  And please refrain from using any color that looks like it belongs on the set of the Golden Girls.  Leave the mauve, taupe, and orange colors to ladies with silver hair.   4. It’s T-SHIRT TIME!  This isn’t the shirt before the shirt.  This is the shirt.  This should be something clean, preferably no collar, possibly v-neck, and fresh to death.  Now when I say that, I don’t mean anything from Affliction or Ed Hardy (only men that don’t get laid wear those lame brands).  I’m talking about a simply stated, no pit stain, staple t-shirt.  I’m down for different colors as well.  There are actually a lot of possibilities when it comes to t-shirts.  Just keep it simple.  The rest of your look is determined by your own personal flair and style.  I put all my trust in you not to eff it up. 

Let’s move on to the bad of fashion.  I’ll start with a few of my personal pet peeves.  1.  Plaid.  Plaid is played out.  Why did plaid become so damn popular?  I just don’t get it.  I’ll admit, I myself am a plaid offender.  I do love me a plaid shirt or pair of shorts.  But, if you are mixing plaids or everything you own is plaid, it might be time to clean out your closet.  Unfortunately, I don’t see this trend going anywhere anytime soon, so perhaps just try and limit your plaid intake.  My next peeve is skinny jeans and high tops.  Let’s start with skinny jeans.  NO.  Flat out, NO.  NEVER.  I hate it on boys. I hate it on girls.  I just hate it.  Add some ridiculous high tops to it and I think it looks incredibly stoooooooooopid.  You are not Justin Beiber or a celesbian, therefore you cannot and should not rock this look.  Only famous people with a lot of money can get away with it and even then, I still don’t like it.  Then we have ties and bow ties.  Again, I do rock a tie here and there but only for certain things.  For example, I don’t wear a tie with a t-shirt.  Ties are meant for more formal occasions or special events.  Ties are not meant to be worn to T-Dance with your t-shirt.  This goes for bow ties as well.  I know bow ties are all the rage with lesbians these days, but there is a time and place for them.      

And finally, the just plain stoopid (and ugly) of lesbian fashion.  I hate to say it, but there are oh so many stoopid fashion trends that I have witnessed.  For starters, if your pants or shorts are hanging so far down your ass that you can barely walk but you think it looks cute and cool because everyone can see your American Eagle boy undies, think again.  You not only look like a tool but you look stooooopid.  If you wanna wear boys’ underwear that’s fine, by all means, but under no circumstances does anyone else care or want to see them.  Buy a smaller pair of pants and wear a god damn belt (Please see Exhibit 1 below).  Next, there is this newer trend I have seen in which lesbians will take a t-shirt, cut off the sleeves, but not just cut them so it’s a tank top, they cut the sleeves so much that you might as well not wear a shirt.  It looks like 2 gaping holes on either side of your shirt and everyone can see your stoopid gray or black sports bra.  It’s annoying.  Why buy a shirt just to cut it into almost nothing?  If you want to show yourself off, save your money and don’t bother wearing a shirt at all.  Of course, you would then fall into the “I’m a huge tool” category, but as I said, to each their own.  

Exhibit 1. I mean, really??  What is she thinking? 

 

There is also the confused lesbian.  This isn’t so much of a fashion trend but sort of a sad, misguided mistake for someone.  If you are going to rock a Mohawk, it will probably look a little “off” if you are wearing a dress.  You look confused and unsure of what kind of lesbian you are.  Pick a genre and stick to it.  You will thank me later.  Another trend is the popped collar.  Do I even have to explain why this one is stoopid??  Why do lesbians feel it necessary to pop their collar?  A popped collar is like a calling card for douchebags (see Exhibit 2 below).  Please, I beg of you, leave your collar down.  Go pop some champagne instead.   

Exhibit 2.  This might not be a picture of women with popped collars, but you get the point.

 Then there are the trucker hats or fitted caps.  I love hats.  What I also love is wearing them straight on my head and not tilted so much to the side that I look like I got ready in a slanted mirror.  Hats are meant to keep the sun out of your eyes and help hide a bad hair day.  They are not meant to be worn so you look like a stoopid fucking idiot.  Yup, I said it.

So fellow lesbian spring breakers, when you are packing for PTOWN, perhaps take a glance at what is going into the 5 million bags you plan on bringing and re-assess the situation.  Lezbehonest ladies, this is not a fashion show and there is no runway.  PTOWN is about drinking, dancing and making bad decisions but not fashion ones.  See you on Commercial Street.