As we are
quickly approaching our lesbian spring break (that being Memorial Weekend in
PTOWN), and seeing as how Commercial Street is essentially another form of a
“lesbian runway show”, I think it’s only appropriate to talk about some of the
different fashion trends that you have seen or will see. Hence, I’m here to give you my lowdown on the
good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright stoopid in lesbian fashion trends
(yes, I know “stoopid” is spelled wrong but that’s how I like it. It allows me to emphasize just how
stooooooopid something is).
Let’s start on a positive note with good fashion. I’m all for being unique and making some sort
of fashion statement but within reason.
With that said, my idea of “the good” includes the following: 1. The all trusty and versatile pair of
jeans. A few stylish holes in the jeans
are fine but they should not look like you haven’t splurged for a new pair in
10 years. Basically, they shouldn’t be
any sort of frumpy, dumpy, and/or poopy.
No one want to see them sagging off your ass so it looks like you are
walking around with a dump in your pants.
Your jeans should be comfortable and have that fashionable ‘worn in’
look but be nice, clean and fit your body.
2. A basic, comfy hoodie. This is a staple in the lesbian world. A good hoodie is like a good lay…life just
isn’t complete without one. 3. Flippy Floppies. As we know, lesbians will try and wear flip
flops year round, even in blizzards (I don’t understand you people but
whatever, to each their own). Flip flops
are another essential piece of the lesbian wardrobe. I don’t have many guidelines on them style
wise except for one request. If you are
going to wear them, please make sure your toes don’t look like they just went
through a meat clever. Get a pedicure
people. And please refrain from using
any color that looks like it belongs on the set of the Golden Girls. Leave the mauve, taupe, and orange colors to
ladies with silver hair. 4. It’s T-SHIRT TIME! This isn’t the shirt before the shirt. This is the shirt. This should be something clean, preferably no collar,
possibly v-neck, and fresh to death. Now
when I say that, I don’t mean anything from Affliction or Ed Hardy (only men that
don’t get laid wear those lame brands).
I’m talking about a simply stated, no pit stain, staple t-shirt. I’m down for different colors as well. There are actually a lot of possibilities
when it comes to t-shirts. Just keep it
simple. The rest of your look is
determined by your own personal flair and style. I put all my trust in you not to eff it
up.
Let’s move
on to the bad of fashion. I’ll
start with a few of my personal pet peeves.
1. Plaid. Plaid is played out. Why did plaid become so damn popular? I just don’t get it. I’ll admit, I myself am a plaid
offender. I do love me a plaid shirt or
pair of shorts. But, if you are mixing
plaids or everything you own is plaid, it might be time to clean out your
closet. Unfortunately, I don’t see this
trend going anywhere anytime soon, so perhaps just try and limit your plaid
intake. My next peeve is skinny jeans
and high tops. Let’s start with skinny
jeans. NO. Flat out, NO. NEVER.
I hate it on boys. I hate it on girls.
I just hate it. Add some ridiculous high tops to it and I think it looks incredibly stoooooooooopid. You are not Justin
Beiber or a celesbian, therefore you cannot and should not rock this look. Only famous people with a lot of money can
get away with it and even then, I still don’t like it. Then we have ties and bow ties. Again, I do rock a tie here and there but only
for certain things. For example, I don’t
wear a tie with a t-shirt. Ties are
meant for more formal occasions or special events. Ties are not meant to be worn to T-Dance with
your t-shirt. This goes for bow ties as
well. I know bow ties are all the rage
with lesbians these days, but there is a time and place for them.
And finally,
the just plain stoopid (and ugly) of lesbian fashion.
I hate to say it, but there are oh so many stoopid fashion trends that I
have witnessed. For starters, if your
pants or shorts are hanging so far down your ass that you can barely walk but
you think it looks cute and cool because everyone can see your American Eagle
boy undies, think again. You not only
look like a tool but you look stooooopid.
If you wanna wear boys’ underwear that’s fine, by all means, but under
no circumstances does anyone else care or want to see them. Buy a smaller pair of pants and wear a god
damn belt (Please see Exhibit 1 below). Next, there is this newer trend I have seen in
which lesbians will take a t-shirt, cut off the sleeves, but not just cut them
so it’s a tank top, they cut the sleeves so much that you might as well not
wear a shirt. It looks like 2 gaping
holes on either side of your shirt and everyone can see your stoopid gray or
black sports bra. It’s annoying. Why buy a shirt just to cut it into almost
nothing? If you want to show yourself
off, save your money and don’t bother wearing a shirt at all. Of course, you would then fall into the “I’m
a huge tool” category, but as I said, to each their own.
 |
| Exhibit 1. I mean, really?? What is she thinking? |
There is
also the confused lesbian. This isn’t so
much of a fashion trend but sort of a sad, misguided mistake for someone. If you are going to rock a Mohawk, it will
probably look a little “off” if you are wearing a dress. You look confused and unsure of what kind of
lesbian you are. Pick a genre and stick
to it. You will thank me later. Another trend is the popped collar. Do I even have to explain why this
one is stoopid?? Why do lesbians feel it necessary to pop their collar? A popped collar is like a calling card for
douchebags (see Exhibit 2 below). Please, I beg of you, leave
your collar down. Go pop some champagne
instead.
 |
| Exhibit 2. This might not be a picture of women with popped collars, but you get the point. |
Then there are the trucker hats
or fitted caps. I love hats. What I also love is wearing them straight on
my head and not tilted so much to the side that I look like I got ready in a
slanted mirror. Hats are meant to keep
the sun out of your eyes and help hide a bad hair day. They are not meant to be worn so you look
like a stoopid fucking idiot. Yup, I
said it.
So fellow
lesbian spring breakers, when you are packing for PTOWN, perhaps take a glance
at what is going into the 5 million bags you plan on bringing and re-assess the
situation. Lezbehonest ladies, this is
not a fashion show and there is no runway.
PTOWN is about drinking, dancing and making bad decisions but not
fashion ones. See you on Commercial
Street.
