Bodily Functions in front of a GF...Comfortable & Funny or Just Gross?

I feel as though there are going to be A LOT of different opinions about this topic, but as you know, I’m the writer so I get to give my opinion.  I have had several conversations regarding the matter of peeing, pooping, farting, and burping (to name a few) in front of your lady lover.  What is the proper etiquette?  Are there timelines in a relationship as to when this behavior is appropriate?  Is it never?  Is it free reign?  Let’s break this down one bodily function at a time, shall we?

Seriously, I don't even need to comment further on this.

We will start off easy with burping.  I understand that sometimes there is nothing better in the world than a nice big burp.  It frees up space in your body so that you can consume more food or beverage and often a burp can help deter a fart from coming on.  So, I do see burping as somewhat of a necessity.  BUT, have you ever heard someone burp, and it’s a juicy one?  Like, not only did they burp but you also had to hear the gurgling sound of them almost vomiting in their mouth?  Yeah, those are NOT pleasant.  Some people are more inclined to being loud or juicy burpers.  Sometimes, they let out a burp and it sounds like a fucking fog horn that could be heard in China and children would flee to the streets in fear that a bomb was coming.  Yes, it’s that loud.  These kinds of burps I am not a promoter of.  If you are the person that is inclined to big and/or juicy burps, make sure you are doing them in a private, sound proof room and not in your girl's ear.  If you are at dinner or riding in a car, it’s never a good idea to rip a big burp.  This is common sense.  Although, I still often find myself in situations when girls are burping at their own free will not paying any mind to their surroundings and it sounds like a maimed animal and they don’t even realize they just did that right in front of their gf.  It’s almost as if the habit of burping is second nature and all of our manners go out the window when we need to belch.  Way to keep it classy ladies. 

WARNING, I FART AND I LIKE IT.

This brings me to the subject of farting.  Are you of the mindset that it’s acceptable to fart in front of your gf?  If so, I have to applaud you.  I am not a farter in general.  I mean, everyone farts.  It’s part of life.  But, I am not one of those people that has to fart all the time.  So, I guess I am blessed in that regard.  Some people are just gassy and for you people, it’s gotta be tough.  I can however, recall times when I have been hanging out with a new girl and there will be a sudden rumble in the tummy and a gas bubble has appeared with nowhere to go but out.  You try with all of your being to keep that rumble inside only making the situation worse.  It starts turning into cramping and a more intense need to release and then all of a sudden you are sick to your stomach and you feel like vomiting and things have spiraled from a fart to now needing to release the beast inside your belly.  This can be quite the predicament.  There is also the matter of farting in your sleep.  This is something I find hilarious because there really is NOTHING you can do about it.  This is one of those instances that you have to laugh at.  For example, if this is your first sleepover with a new lady and you hear someone fart in their sleep you really can’t hold it against them all too much.  Obviously your partner has no intent of farting in front of you and since they are sleeping there’s not much they can do to control it.  Say you are snuggling with your lovah and the big spoon feels a little vibration from down below and not the good kind.  I mean, it’s still a fart, yes, but how can you be mad or grossed out by that?  There are obviously exceptions to the farting rule and this is definitely mine since I fart in my sleep all the time.  Sometimes you just can’t help it.  As long as the farter doesn’t try to “dutch-oven” you then this is a free pass for farting circumstances.  If you want to fart in front of your friends, by all means, go for it but never, ever in front of the girl you are trying to sleep with.  

Here’s the thing that I don’t understand.  Let’s say you are trying to impress a girl.  The LAST thing you should be talking about is the smelly fart you ripped last night that scared your dog or cat away.  That’s not going to impress anyone.  There is also the issue that some girls find it funny and amusing when they fart.  Let’s say you are sitting and enjoying some tv all curled up with your lady and all of a sudden your girl lifts her cheek to rip a big fart.  Yeah, it’s as awful as it sounds and it’s not funny.  The farter thinks the act of lifting her cheek is hilarious and she feels proud.  She should be slapped upside the head.  You think after you just ripped a fart and laughed about it your gf is going to say “that was so hot, let’s cuddle some more and then let’s go do it”.  Trust me, she’s not.  All you end up doing is looking like a 10 year old boy that thinks it’s funny to fart on girls.  This is not even taking into consideration the smell factor.  Let’s not even go there.  I think you get the picture.   

I’m sure you all know the saying, “Don’t shit where you eat”.  For us lesbians, this is quite the literal statement.  I feel strongly about this and for obvious reasons, as should you.  Talking about poop and your pooping habits already is enough to freak me out.  I really don’t need to know when my lady is going to take a shit.  That is "private time" for a reason.  I know some couples do not feel the same way and I find this not only interesting but intriguing.  How can one separate the thought of their significant other taking a shit to having sex?  I just don’t get it.  Pooping is not a time that was meant to be shared with others, especially the person I’m sleeping with.  The doors should be closed, the fan should be on, or turn on a faucet so no one can hear anything.  Under no circumstance do I understand the need to poop in front of anyone, especially my wife.  I don’t care if you have been dating that person for 10 years, there’s no need to poop in front of them.  Talk about lesbian bed death.  It’s hard enough to keep the spice alive in a normal relationship let alone one where you share poop time together.  Therefore, I do not condone this behavior.  Peeing is one thing.  Pooping is another.  Someone please explain to me how while one person is brushing their teeth and the other is pooping (in the same bathroom) that seems like a good idea?  Can’t the teeth brusher just wait 5 damn minutes?  I don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will.  

Thank you for the announcement.

People are so inclined to talk about their pooping habits and I guess I just missed that memo.  I have always been a private farter, pooper, etc…  In college when I was living in the dorms and there were communal bathrooms, I would have to wait until 3am during the weekday in order to go to the bathroom.  So the thought of pooping in front of my wife is absolutely horrifying to me.  I don’t see room for any gray area here.  This seems fairly cut and dry.  Again, I remind you, don’t shit where you eat.  You get my point. 

So for you burpers, farters and public poopers, let’s please try and keep those bodily functions under wraps and behind privately closed doors.  Lezbehonest, no one really wants to hook up with the girl that just ripped a big fart and laughed about it.       

 

Oh and btw, Happy Pride, Homos.  Stay Gay.      

PTOWN...The Aftermath

As we are all coming back to reality, our livers are recouping from our weekend of abuse, our alcohol induced sunburns are turning to tans and we are still humming “Call Me Maybe” because we heard it 857038457347 times, I would like to take a moment to recall some of the bad life decisions that I witnessed and their potential ramifications upon returning home. 

While plaid shorts were in full effect on Commercial Street, I observed that I missed out on what seems to be the latest and greatest in lesbian fashion, fluorescent.  No matter where I turned I was struck by someone wearing something of the hypercolor (blinding) nature.  Yellow, blue, pink, whatever your fluorescent poison was, it was hard to miss you.  I even saw some fluorescent hair.  It’s as if lesbians don’t already call enough attention to themselves with all of the hair gel, wrist bands, and sideways hats, we need to take it a step further and wear colors that belong on highlighters and can be seen 5000 miles away.  I also observed one person in a particularly interesting fashion trend that I have never seen.  Bikinis are obviously very common amongst the homos but this girl went way beyond that.  She was wearing two hands that were tied to a string to cover her boobs.  Yes.  You heard me right.  Two plastic hands were covering her boobs (please see pic for an example).  I honestly didn’t have any words for it when I saw it, and I still am at a loss.  Wow.  Just wow. 

Can you understand now why I'm at a loss for words?

There was also a plentiful amount of stoopid drunk lesbians parading around as though they were not complete stoopidfuckingidiots.  One of them happened to be at my house one particular night.  She thought it would be “cool” to do one handed pull-ups on the crown moldings of the house I was renting to “show off” to her lady friends.  After what seemed to be the 1897673945^th pull up, she was asked to stop and then proceeded to insult my wife.  Really?  Don’t fuck with me or my wife or my crown moldings, or you will find your ass in my blog.  (Phew, got that off my chest).  Moral of the story, ladies?  Being drunk doesn’t give you permission to act like you have never been in public with real people before.  Have some freaking respect bitches. 

Ouch. 

I also had a friend that decided to ignore my advice of not going home with a lady while in PTOWN (before doing a background check on her).  She learned the hard way that 9 times out of 10, I’m right (this is me gloating).  She went home with a girl that thought giving 9674096745 “love bites” would be appropriate and/or “hot”.  This was along with the scratching, biting, and god knows what else she endured.  Basically, my friend needed to seek the assistance of a help hotline the next morning along with a healthy supply of cover up.  Clearly that chick she took home was cray (I tried to warn you).  Perhaps she had been reading too much Fifty Shades of Gray and all of the sadist behavior got into her head. 

Sadist overload?  See above for end result. 

I also noticed yet another trend that seems to be somewhat generational.  It appears that the younger generation of baby dykes are much more “open” with their willingness to do inappropriate things with their friends.  It’s like the younger ladies are overly touchy feely with each other and I’m not gonna lie, it kind of freaks me out.  For example, I don't feel as though normal "friend behavior" consists of doing things such as laying in bed together not fully clothed, especially if it's with multiple people.  When I was a baby lezzy surely I did some stupid things.  I was dared to make out with friends and did it, but never did I ever end up in an orgy-like situations with people I typically go to the mall with and get pizza and beers with.  Friends are friends for a reason.  Friends are not meant to make out and do touchy weird things with unless you are ready to deal with all the complexities that come along with that.  Trust me, you’re not. 

I’ll delve further into the sleeping with friends topic in a separate blog because lezbehonest ladies, nothing is off limits when it comes to what I say.  You have things like pissoring and UHALING to look forward to in upcoming blogs.  So stay tuned.  Until then, I hope the alcohol withdrawals are subsiding, all of the spiritus pizza is out of your system, and all of your love bites/wounds are healing properly.  And just to keep the PTOWN 2012 anthem stuck in your head a little longer, here’s a another shout out to Jaime Messina for her lesbian version of “Call Me Maybe” for your listening ears.  Enjoy.    

 http://soundcloud.com/jaime-messina/swear-im-not-crazy-the-stage-5

Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Wives, the lesbians are coming to PTOWN!

Mmmmm, mudslides.

The time is here.  It’s time to pack your bags, get your liver ready, and head off for a long weekend of lesbian debauchery in PTOWN!  There is so much that lesbians do to prepare for this weekend.  You will observe that about 3 months prior to PTOWN, everyone says they are on their PTOWN diet.  Obviously it’s important to show up to this debacle looking your best.  This diet is also necessary due to the fact that you will likely consume nothing other than alcohol, Spiritus pizza, Burger Queen, and Bayside Betsy’s mudslides for the next 3-4 days.  In preparation, it’s also important to buy some new clothes so that you are looking as fresh as possible for the ladies.  I’m quite certain that American Eagle and Hollister see a huge spike in their sales around this time of year, especially on plaid.  We know lesbians feel the need to bring at least 3-4 bags filled with an outfit for every occasion and every weather condition.  Not to mention the extra bag filled with flip flops, shoes, and sneakers.  Lesbians like to be prepared for anything.  This also coincides well with the fact that we stalk the weather forecast daily to see if god will be shining sun down during our spring break. God loves the gays.  Let’s hope Mother Nature does as well.  And of course, we can’t forget to mention that tan people look better then pasty white people, so tanning booths will also see an increase in business approximately 2 weeks before Memorial Weekend.  The Jersey Shore kids know how to get laid and it all starts with a good solid orange hew on your skin.  After you get your fake tan on, you gotta get your hair cut so it’s looking nice and fresh and then you are good to go.  Once you have done all of your preparation, it’s time to fire up your lezzmobile (likely a Jeep or SUV in some form), pack your friends and bags into your car and be on your way. 

The ultimate lezzmobile.

A lot of ladies first stop upon arrival is to cruise down Commercial Street with all of your car windows open playing loud music.  This is your first opportunity to scope things out and to see and be seen.  I am personally not a fan of this.  I think it’s stooopid.  Seriously, Commercial Street is narrow and crowded and it really is not necessary to show everyone what kind of car you drive or the music you listen to. Even if you think it’s cool.  It’s not.  Once you arrive it’s time to what else, START DRINKING!  You will also likely want to walk (not drive) down Commercial Street, check out who is there, possibly do some last minute shopping before Board Stiff runs out of every pair of Sanuks in stock, and get your first Bayside Betsy’s mudslide.  Once acclimated with your accommodations for the weekend, the partying begins.  Thursday night is my favorite night in PTOWN.  It’s not overly crowded, you can actually get into Pied and walk around and not feel like a sardine, and you don’t have to wait 30 minutes in line for a slice of Spiritus.  I highly recommend it to everyone.  Friday is when everyone typically starts showing up and when the real lesbian shit show begins.  Which leads us to our first T-dance…

T-dance is like the holy grail of Memorial Weekend in PTOWN.  It’s the place where you know everyone who is anyone will be at a given time.  You have your first Planter’s Punch and you are on your way to drunkville.  Then it’s time to mingle or what I call “doing a loop”.  This is when you walk around T-dance, scoping it out, looking for hot ladies to help play wingman to your single friends and see what the lesbian population of New England has to offer.  T-dance, along with PTOWN in general, is also the time to be prepared to bump into any and all exes and potentially their current lady friend.  You all know you have an ex you want to avoid at all costs.  My advice is to make sure you come armed with several beverages and a wingman for this situation.  It’s awful enough having to seeing your ex, add a new girl into the mix and there is the potential for epic awkwardness, verbal assaults, or possible punches being thrown.  You never know what to expect when it comes to lesbians.  There’s always the possibility that you are friends with some of your exes but let’s be honest, when you are standing there, trying to tolerate the new girl and this meeting and everyone internally realizes that you all have had sex with your ex, the common denominator in all this, it can make for some unhappy thoughts and images, hence awkwardness.  Hopefully one of your friends will step in and save you from this moment in time.  Go get a shot, you deserve it. 

Here she is!  (thank you Alicia for allowing this pic)

You should also be on the lookout for the old lady that doesn’t seemingly shower much, wears the same flannel cut off shirt every day (and year) and has some creepy beer goggle resembling glasses on and walks around flirting with all the younger ladies.  She’s fun to take a picture with, but don’t get caught up too long with her.  She is slightly cougar crazy.  Speaking of cougars, you will also see a handful of them in PTOWN as well.  If sleeping with a cougar is on your bucket list, this is the place to do it.  Just beware (please read previous blog entry). 

Saturday, weather permitting, is when mostly all lesbians will be found at the beach, playing a wide variety of lesbian sport activities and/or drinking games.  This is our opportunity to do something competitive, show off all of our PTOWN preparation, and scope out ladies in less clothing.  Hopefully you can avoid those stooooopid lesbians that are really only on the beach to make a spectacle out of themselves so everyone will be “watching” them but in reality they just look stoopid.  You will observe a lot of people getting drunk during the day which always makes for an interesting afternoon and evening.  This is when friends are most likely to make out with their friends (you know your guilty of this).  Don’t even get me started on the repercussions from making out with friends (stay focused…PTOWN, PTOWN).  This will take us into the evening shit show in which you will find blacked out ladies at an array of bars, Wave Bar being my personal favorite, in which you get further stooopid wasted, go eat Spiritus, possibly find another random person in line to make out with, go home, pass out and repeat. 

Lezbehonest ladies, wherever your PTOWN journey takes you, I hope you drink lots, have a great time with your friends, find lots of girls that are DTMO (but only in public places) and enjoy one of the best weekends of the year.  I can assure you I will have A LOT more blogging material upon our return home.  Until then my fellow lesbians and lesbros, I wish you a HAPPY PTOWN 2012! 

Please check out my friend J-Nizzle and her YouTube video, PTOWN State of Mind!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUuzQ_14pRU

The Do’s and Dont’s of Hooking Up in PTOWN

I want to first and foremost, thank everyone that has been reading and supporting my blog.  I started this on a whim and to get the positive feedback I’ve been receiving, it’s awesome.  So, thank you.  And now, back to the good stuff.

In my last entry, I ended by saying how PTOWN is all about drinking, dancing, and making bad decisions, and in this entry, I’m going to touch upon what could potentially be one of those bad decisions, that being, hooking up.  This can be anything from random dance floor make outs, secret bathroom rendezvous, a jaunt on the beach, or maybe it leads back to someone’s house or hotel in which you bump bagels and scissor (lesbian sexy time).  Let’s not forget that this extended spring break weekend is when us lesbians are all in the same place at the same time and there is a lot of drinking.  Not only is this a recipe for drama and disaster but it is also a recipe for lots of hook ups.  (Think “Girls Gone Wild” but with lots more lesbian drama and sadly no cameras).  No matter what kind of hook up you have, you have to wonder is it a good decision or a not so good one?  Let’s discuss.

First and foremost, the drinking that occurs in PTOWN is nothing short of excessive and obscene.  I know by the end of the weekend I feel like my liver has officially gone on strike.  You get the shakes, headaches, full on dehydration, and overall alcohol withdrawal is bitch.  As alcohol may not be kind to our bodies it has the keen ability to provide most of us with what I call “beer balls” or “liquid courage”.  This enables the average lesbian to get wildly drunk, grow a set of balls, make bad decisions and then not have to feel bad about her actions the next day likely because she won’t remember them anyways.  If you are one of those ladies, your beer balls could wind up getting you in all kinds of trouble.  This brings me to what I call “beer goggles” or for lesbians it might be your Ray Ban aviator sunglasses.  Either way, you don't want anything that can blur your vision (see below).  As we all know, when we drink, our inhibitions become heightened and we are MUCH more likely to make out and/or hook up with anything that talks, walks, breathes and has a pulse.  Girls, similar to teenage boys, are horny sons of bitches too.  Everyone that’s single is looking to make out and hook up and in PTOWN, and the well runneth over with willing women, so it’s the perfect place to be on the prowl for girls that are DTMO (down to make out).  Sounds all fine and dandy, right?  Get drunk, hook up, feel good about yourself and your conquest (think pats on the back and high fives from friends), then do it all over again the next day.  What you failed to think about is the following… 

Do you want THIS to happen to you?  I think not.

Things that seem like a good idea while severely intoxicated are usually not when sober, especially in PTOWN.  Let’s say for example, your hook up is a STAGE 5.  Upon initial meeting, she will seem awesome because as we have already learned, STAGE 5’s are always good at the start.  You will likely be more fooled by her initially due to your level of intoxication.  The bigger problem here is that if you invite a STAGE 5 into your bed, there is a good chance you will not ever be able to get her to leave you alone.  Most single ladies in PTOWN are looking for multiple make outs.  Lesbians like options.  It almost becomes a competition amongst friends to see who can make out the most (you know you’re guilty of this).  And we all know how competitive lesbians are.  So if a hook up is all you are looking for, you will be shit out of luck if you invite home a STAGE 5, especially if it’s on your first night there.  Commercial Street is small and there are only so many places you can hide.  You can make all attempts to ditch her, but I guarantee you she WILL find you.  You know as well as I do that everyone ends up at Spiritus at the end of the night for their heavenly slice of pizza and the last thing you want to is to have to bail from your spot in line without your slice because of a stupid STAGE 5 mistake from the night before.  So, if you want to risk sleeping with a STAGE 5, make sure you are up for playing an extended game of hide and seek sans Spiritus.    

You could wake up next to this.

There’s also the issue of your beer goggles working overtime and what seemed like a good idea at night in the darkness of the Pied dance floor didn’t look so appealing the next morning in the light of day.  What happens when you wake up, you don’t know who the girl is next to you, where you are, why you are naked, and why she looks like a hippopotamus?  You then run the risk of trying to sneak out unnoticed, and if she wakes up you have to make conversation (bad), look at her (worse), and figure out a swift getaway excuse (awkward).  Not to mention the walk of shame you will then endure (see pic below).  And you know all those over eager lesbians that like to show off and go for a morning run down Commercial Street?  Yeah, you will run into all of them on your walk home too.  And you will look extremely out of place when you still have on your “going out” clothes and everyone else is wearing their fancy running gear because they are overachievers and show offs (Seriously, who the fuck goes running in PTOWN?  Unless you are training for a marathon or something very special, you should be waking up to kegs and eggs not sprints and wheatgrass shots.  It’s called a vacation for a reason).  Once you have suffered through your walk of shame and made it home, you then have to tell your eager beaver friends where you were, what happened, and re-live the whole night (as if it weren’t already bad enough).  You also run the risk (high-risk) of seeing this hippopotamus again which would make for another extremely awful moment in time.  The big problem with PTOWN is that you really can’t avoid much.  The lesbian cess pool is already small enough, and when we are all in the same location, there is really no possible chance of avoidance.  So, if you must get laid, please use precaution, bring your grenade whistle and consider saving your hook up for Sunday night when you can make your great escape on Monday morning and not ever have to see her again.  

Don't let this happen. 

 Or let’s say you find a girl that you want to take home and before you even get the chance to get some, you realize she’s had far too much to drink and starts throwing up.  You really want to be holding someone’s hair you just met and be dealing with pukey mcpukerson?  I doubt it.  That’s what a girlfriend is for and what you are currently not.  Trust me, you don’t want to be the one taking care of a belligerent drunk, puking girl.  (I am shamefully guilty of this.  Sadly, I was the puker.  It wasn’t a good look for me nor one of my finest moments.  And to make things worse in my blacked out state, I agreed to go on a whale watch with this girl that brought me home.  An all-around EPIC FAIL on my part.  I still owe her a beer for getting me home safe.)  There’s also the chance that if you take a girl home and don’t do your background research, you might end up finding a carpet downstairs or perhaps she’s into some weird kinky shit or worse.  You can never be sure and I can assure you the risk is not worth the reward. 

So ladies, when contemplating your PTOWN hook ups, consider this your warning.  Brown outs, black outs and anything in between can make for wonderful make outs in open and public places where you can easily escape, but think again before going home with someone, especially if it’s any other night besides your last one there.  Lezbehonest ladies, the last thing you want to take home with you from PTOWN is someone or something you can’t get rid of.  Happy hunting.